hello yes
this is the first of a few parts that’ll be marathoned over the coming days until next monday. every day i’ll stream the creation of a new ultimatum part in a certain server that i choose
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ace moment ace moment
ALSO KING DAVID SILVER WOOO0
yea
Firstly, Ace is god.
Second, you sometimes make a minor mistake of repeating phrases when they should be different. For example:
You stop by Stoneburg, and an all-out war starts!
And later, in the news:
Yesterday, April 2nd, Y2985, an all-out war occured in Stoneburg, wrecking the entire city.
Aurielle is not writing the Magius News. This kind of repetition breaks flow and shows that you’re writing in the author’s voice, not that of the characters.
Secondly, you should probably have taken a look at the actual Magius News for reference.
You also need to work on your dialogue attribution. For example:
"W-What about Artemis?” Arsen squeaked. “The grey-haired one? She’s okay, but she’ll be out for a while.” Arsen tried to sit up again.
This sounds like Arsen is asking the question and answering it. Through context, we can tell it isn’t, but grammatically it’s incorrect. It should look like this:
"W-What about Artemis?” Arsen squeaked.
“The grey-haired one? She’s okay, but she’ll be out for a while,” Ace replied.
Arsen tried to sit up again.
With appropriate indents before each new paragraph. I personally would’ve done it as follows.
“W-What about Artemis?” Arsen squeaked.
Ace smiled at his concern. “The grey-haired one? She’s okay, but she’ll be out for a while.”
Arsen tried to sit up again.
WIth appropriate indents before each new paragraph. I put the “Ace smiled at his concern”, so as to make sure I’m not using too many dialogue attributions after the said dialogue.
This is pretty basic stuff. Put a new paragraph before every new speaker, no matter how short what they’re saying is. This:
“Hey,” she said. He looked up. “Hey.” “Hurry up!” the teacher yelled.
Is not accurate. It should look like this:
“Hey,” she said.
He looked up. “Hey.”
“Hurry up!” the teacher yelled.
With indents before each new line.
Again, an example:
“Y-Yeah. She was… taken by the Society. They experimented on her.” Arsen told Ace. “Well, that’s the gist of what happened. Oh, I never got your name! The name’s Ace Lamina, Magic Council Captain.” Ace said with a smirk of pride.
This one is even worse because you literally put what Arsen is saying into the same quote as what Ace is saying.
Oh, I never got your name! The name’s Ace Lamina, Magic Council Captain.
Like really robo I expect better of you.
There’s also a few more things to work on.
Inside were two papers, one newspaper yellow and one plain white. Arsen took the white paper first.
This is completely unnecessary. Have him take out the letter and then read it, get to the “look at the yellow paper” part, and then look at the letter again and get the yellow paper out. This phrase is awkward since you repeat the word “paper” three times.
Also you’ve clearly not written enough letters. Formatting matters.
Don’t ever worry me like that ever again! You stop by Stoneburg, and an all-out war starts! Tell me how you got wrapped up in all of this, young man! You even got yourselves in the Magius News! Write back to me soon. From, Aurielle. P.S: Check the yellow paper!
Should look like this:
Don’t ever worry me like that ever again! You stop by Stoneburg, and an all-out war starts! Tell me how you got wrapped up in all of this, young man! You even got yourselves in the Magius News!
Write back to me soon,
Aurielle.
P.S: Check the yellow paper!
You did perfect formatting for KDS’s letter, what happened here?
More minor nitpicks
He looked down at his chest, seeing fresh bandages with blood seeping into them. He looked around the room he was in. Medics ran around, gathering supplies and tending to patients.
Firstly, Arsen gets a chest injury here:
It kept on flying, and it collided with Arsen’s chest, sending him flying and withering his body.
Bypassing the awkwardness of “withering his body” (you missed a perfect opportunity to describe the wither effect and simultaneously failed to realize that there’s no reason for Arsen to know what wither is like), there’s no reason he should be bleeding. Where’d the blood come from?
Secondly, there’s no reason the MC medics would do anything but just spam healing/life magic but aight.
The powerful only keep getting more powerful by the second. You know how powerful the Council is.
Unnecessary repetition, go use a thesaurus.
Arsen cried at Dacien. Dacien seemed to put on a mask of sadness. Dacien then summoned his own magic circle.
How many Daciens can you Dacien Dacien? Do you really need three Daciens?
You kinda have a bad habit of this.
Ace wasn’t having any of it. He blasted Dacien with purple crystal and picked up Arsen. Ace raised a magic circle, and…
The second “Ace” should honestly be replaced with “He”.
He wanted to laugh at how worried Aurielle was. But at the same time, he was glad Aurielle was caring about him after so many days away from Cerulea City. He put back Aurielle’s note in the letter and took out the yellow paper, wondering about it.
Do you need that many Aurielles? Pronouns exist for a reason!
I’m sure there’s more things I can point out but I think this is enough for now.
Don’t worry. It’s because you’re good at writing that I provide more criticism.
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well at least it isn’t destructive, ty
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More stuff
Arsen wanted to laugh. He had no right to talk about ‘revenge’. He’d levelled Stoneburg with the help of around a hundred Society members. He didn’t care about the citizens.
I am of the opinion that the willingness to do anything for revenge is not “no right to talk about revenge”. Like Arsen needs to rethink that.
He looked at Artemis’ body. “As for her… she’ll be coming with me. Her rebellious streak would be a help to us.”
a) since when was Dacien a psychologist and b) why would it be useful?
From Ultimatum Part 18:
Dacien seemed to be having none of it,
Part 19
Ace wasn’t having any of it.
Firstly, that’s more awkward repetition that shows the author’s voice.
Secondly, where was Ace before he comes in randomly???
Why do they never take opportunity attacks?
Dacien is legit only good at blowing stuff up and making empty threats.
Dacien stared them down as they got farther from him.
Why does he stare at them first and fire beams later???
Then he remembered that Artemis had the same gray hair as them.
Unnecessary if you’re going to say
Was your friend in the same situation?
Later.
“You’re on the Magius News, eh? I’m jealous!” Ace told him
Holy shit shes a Canadian??? 