day 2 of meatum marathon:tm:, the creation of this part was streamed in Tobi Comics discord, stay tuned for more
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not gonna lie this is the first actual time i proofreaded my work
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vruh
oh shit danny here with his 1200 word count criticism :troll:
at least it isnt dragon levels of criticism
wait a sec
What does đ(đ) mean?
not this conversation again
v(s) stands for hope tarot, maco gave it to me
Wait, I can get maco to give me stuff? Gonna go try that out now
what
You know youâve been waiting for it.
Arsen put the letters on his bed and put his hand on the bandages covering his wounds from the battle.
There are many things wrong with this sentence.
Repetition of âputâ, would be better to say something like âArsen dropped the letters onto his bed.â
Also it would be better with the next part as a separate sentence: âHe touched his bandages gingerly.â The letters and the bandages part are really kind of separate. The letter part is just there because you said he was holding the letters earlier, and you had to do something with them, but the bandages are more important.
âI think theyâre fine now.â he told Ace.
Then why is he still wearing the bandages?
Youâre going to have to figure out a better way to say âoh arsen is healed nowâ.
A dark orange magic circle appeared in front of Hisashiâs face, and a brigade of paper knocked him to the bars of the cell.
I am disappointed at the failure of your grammar skills right here. Firstly, the him grammatically indicates Hisashi, and it should be Ace. Secondly, wth is a âbrigade of paperâ.
Hisashi ignored Ace, looking straight at Arsen with a confident, almost brave look in his eyes.
Confident is a stronger term than âalmost braveâ, so it makes no sense to put the almost after the confident. Better phrasing would be to remove the âalmostâ and then replace brave with something like âfearlessâ.
He nudged Arsen on the arm. âYouâve got yourself a job.â Ace told him. âWeâll get going tomorrow night.â
âIâll be there.â Arsen still wasnât sure if he was up to it yet.
I will now point out you first told the reader that Arsen had time to think about it.
And now you tell the reader it happens tomorrow.
âŚ
Also Ace just pressed him into service.
âŚ
I donât think this is what you were going for.
You shouldâve had the interrogation scene first, and then Ace asking him if he wants to come.
Artemis chuckled.
Ngl, you kinda overuse this word. âArtemis laughedâ makes more sense, as chuckled indicates some kind of joke/humor, while here sheâs laughing because sheâs the female love interest laughing at the protagonist.
Really? Let me see the letters!â Artemis asked. Arsen walked over to his hospital bed and took the letters, giving them to Artemis. âThere was also an article from Magius News.â he told Artemis. Her eyes lit up. âYouâre kiddingâŚâ she murmured while trying to speed-read the letters.
I told you about your dialogue problems earlier. Youâve gotten better, but here you need a separate paragraph for each new speaker. you also say too many names in too little time, It should look like this:
"Really? Let me see the letters!â Artemis asked. Arsen walked over to his hospital bed and took the letters, giving them to Artemis.
âThere was also an article from Magius News.â he said.
Her eyes lit up. âYouâre kiddingâŚâ she murmured while trying to speed-read the letters.
There are other examples, but again, each new speaker in a piece of dialogue must have a new paragraph.
Arsen was trying to decide if he should tell Artemis about Aceâs offer. Ace might not agree with it, though. But he decided to tell her. After all, what was the worst that could happen?
This is a major missed opportunity. Instead of actually developing his thoughts and making a satisfying conclusion to the internal dilemma (i.e. he realizes that he is willing to tell artemis even though Ace might disapprove or something), you make two awkward sentences with no purpose.
Legit you couldâve deleted this part and it would have improved readability.
Artemis seemed as if her brain was fizzling out from reading. âHey, uhâŚâ Arsen muttered.
This entire part is so awkward itâs not even funny.
The first sentence is just atrocious. Why? A combination of reasons. Firstly, it is in the wrong place, with no immediately clear connection to anything before or after it. Secondly, itâs telling not describing.
It would look better like this:
âHey, uhâŚâ Arsen began.
âWhat?â Artemis blinked. âI didnât quite catch that.â
Firstly, I replaced âmutteredâ with âbeganâ because muttered doesnât really fit here. Secondly, I described Artemisâs actions instead of telling about them.
Artemis felt the part of her back where Dacien sliced it. She winced, saying, âI-It does still sting a littleâŚâ
This is from Artemisâs perspective.
The chapter is supposed to be from Arsenâs perspective.
A simple change of wording would fix this easily:
Artemis reached around her back, gently touching the bandage wrapped around it. She winced. âI-it does sting a littleâŚâ
The reason this works better is because, again, Iâm describing, not telling. There is no reason for the reader to assume that it is not Arsen watching Artemis reaching around her back, and thatâs the connection their brain will make. On the other hand, âfeltâ simply tells the reader she touched her back, suitable if itâs her perspective⌠but it isnât. I also improved the flow by removing âsayingâ.
In other news it was a good part altogether, although I feel like we couldâve had a little more shipping filler between artemis and arsen.
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i was literally waiting for this lmao the suspense was killing me
now go to sleep
I know arsen x artemis is there
but ace x hisashi 
âŚwhat
uhh
yes
what
ace and hisashi
1 Like
fuck
ez.