Is it normal to feel like the second-biggest disappointment on the planet for just about every choice I make? I feel like I’ve been nothing but a restricting factor in the lives of everyone that I know, because I’m admittedly afraid of trying anything new; I always gravitate towards the safer bet for me, even if it screws with other people. Even if it is just me, I start feeling like I’m just messing with someone else’s day.
Example: Today the National Guard came into my P.E. Class and forced us to play with two bouncy houses they brought in (which felt weird, since I’m a senior). I only went through one of them, but after class, I’ve been screaming at myself for not even trying the other one. It’s fucking pathetic, since it’s the most meaningless nonsense in the state, and yet I’m still finding some way to regret it.
Even if I’m choosing to do something for my own benefit, I feel horrible. If there’s one thing you’d have to know about me, it’s that I can’t stand kids. They’re constantly acting for their own entertainment, don’t listen at all, and are generally awful to deal with. This might be projecting my thoughts about myself onto them so I feel better about myself; I was too busy being clinically depressed as a kid. I’ve also mentioned that I’ve been in karate classes since elementary school before. A few years ago, both Senseis decided that it’d be a good idea to try hosting some self-defense classes in town. Where, exactly? At the after-school hangout place in the town square.
In the first year, it was actually pretty decent. Second year was when the full effect of the morons in town came into play, though; getting anyone’s attention was difficult, and if you told any of the kids there to shut the hell up, they’d stay quiet for five-ish seconds before going back to being loud, self-centered maniacs again. One time I gave a kid the nastiest glare I could create; he looked at me for two seconds before doing a fuckin Fortnite dance and singing about skibidi or whatever. This is the third year it’s been done, and both Senseis are here this time; one isn’t worrying, but the other is actually somewhat easy to piss off, and I’m scared beyond my wits of what would happen if he got set off, so I’m skipping out on the class today. All of that, and yet I still feel like I’m doing nothing but making everyone’s life harder.
tl;dr I can’t do anything without wondering why I even get out of bed in the morning, even if it’s pointless or for the best.
Also I’m typing this in my truck at the town square so Mom thinks I’m helping the people I can’t deal with; hoping she doesn’t find out.