:snow_magic: A Deal With Death: Chapter 1 ~ Smoke & Fog

A Deal With Death: Chapter 1
Smoke & Fog


:fire:


Snow fluttered down, gently, swaying, down from the clouds. Derrick always wondered how clouds formed. Was it the work of some god, or natural forces? This was likely a question that would not be answered, at least for him. It was silly for him to be wondering about these things, anyways… Though the more he wandered into the unknown territory that dominated his mind, the more he fervently wished he could know the answers to these questions.

His father had been a powerful fire magic user, and his mother, a poison magic user. A few months ago, her mother had left to join the magic council. Derrick’s father hadn’t heard back from her yet, but they both assumed she was defeating criminals and serving justice as they spoke.

“Just think about it”, father said on a foggy afternoon, 5 days ago. He could vividly bring this particular memory up quite immediately, and he wasn’t sure why; his sanity would be a subject for another time. His father looked down at him, and gave him a hopefull, yet fleeting glance. “Your mother, using her gift to defeat dark wizards and fiends across Magius. Isn’t that amazing?” He looked back up at the fog and sighed. Derrick walked away.

Mother had left without quite a trace, but Derrick’s father assured him that she had gone to join the Magic Council. Derrick believed it, too. Mother was an exceptionally talented wizard. There weren’t a large amount of wizards in the area they lived in, either. Most towns and cultures on Magius had much more magic than the Snow Folk did. Expectedly, their northern culture received a lot of teasing from other Magians.

Unfortunately, Derrick had no magic of his own. If he did, he probably would have ran away and joined his mother, or broken into the library.

Despite being 15, he never had the ability to use his magic. His mother and father were filled with an uncomfortable amalgam of disappointment and surprise; Derrick’s mother belonged to a long line of wizards, gifted at that. It was quite reasonable to think Derrick would inherit these powers.

In just a few days, he would start a job of mining and exporting ice. Derrick himself quite dreaded it, but his father thought it would be a great crown-making opportunity. Ice was one of the Snow Folk’s biggest and most prized exports. Derrick himself, however, couldn’t care less about this occupation… what he really desired was to look around the library. It was only a few igloos away from their own. It’s one of the few buildings in their somewhat poor neighborhood that was made of stone bricks. Most Snow Folk settled in small igloos. Snow is, in fact, a wonderful insulator.

Perhaps being so spoiled was getting to his head.

Derrick very much wished to enter the library. He longed for knowledge, not just safety and life. He thought of himself as an individual. He never knew how anything in this world worked, and what the world was like outside of the gleaming, frigid, snow-blanketed region that is Northern Magius. Everything he wanted to know was in that library, and frankly, he didn’t care about working a normal life. He wanted a chance at comprehension.

But he just

Couldn’t

Reach it.

The library was solemnly restricted to scholars and wizards who were "Required” to know the information the library stored. According to his father, Derrick was not one of those people. The books were too valuable to be tampered with and damaged by normal citizens.

Derrick would get to that library, one day, no matter what it took. No matter what it took, no matter how long it took. He wouldn’t be deterred.

Suddenly, the loudest noise Derrick had ever heard shattered his eardrums. In the back of his head, a deadly, destructive, swirling pool of pain. Before his eyes, a blurry mess. The library had been skewered by a pillar of apocalyptic, searing flame. The fire rocketed, roared into the sky above. The sky, in turn, faded to a blood red hue. The snow was illuminated by incredible quantities of light. It glowed a terrifying golden color. It sparkled with a foreign, deadly force. The library audaciously crumbled before his eyes. Hundreds of years of knowledge and progression, deleted instantaneously.

Then, the world plummeted. Down, down. How far would it go? A piercing screeching noise filled his ears. His skin burnt in incomprehensible pain. Everything around him turned black. All his senses plunged into an unsettling dark, unknown state. His surroundings were filled with a veil of vile darkness.

A scorching pain marched down from his skin to his insides, which felt as if they had been flipped and twisted tenfold. Derrick tried to scream; not a sound escaped his mouth. An unsettling silence… His hopes evaporated, like a snowflake on a mitten.

His head turned upwards involuntarily. Fear cascaded down his body, then violently crashed down in waves.

Unexpectedly, something broke the night. A tiny white dot began to grow at a snail’s pace. Back and forth, back and forth. His head followed it. He tried to struggle against his own body. It did not work. He couldn’t think anymore. The object, clearly identifiable as a piece of paper, finally touched the impossibly nonexistent floor, and flopped with a scraping, piercing sound. At least there was some noise.

Curiosity.

In control of himself, Derrick slowly leaned forward. His eyes, half blurry, strained to read the text on the paper. He just needed to lean forward a little more. He struggled against whatever was holding his legs to the ground. Just a bit more. He planted his hands, bloodied, firmly onto whatever floor he was kneeling on.

Suddenly, his arms ceased to exist. There was no pain, until his body whipped downwards, and his head smashed violently against the floor. Derrick had no time to react.

Derrick tried to feel his hands, and his arms. But he couldn’t… they had simply disappeared. The universe was mocking him. In such a disadvantageous state, Derrick was quite paralyzed onto the floor. He wasn’t quite strong enough to heave his upper body off the floor without the help of his hands.

But he was quite determined not to let panic set in. As his mind started to blur, swirl, and paint over old thoughts, he slowly tilted his head up. His neck screamed and protested in pain. The taste of iron filled his mouth, and stimulated his tongue.

He let his chin rest on the void floor. Finally, Derrick could relax, even if it was just for a moment. He let out a slow, long groan; which was surprising, since he was mute just seconds earlier. A shiver slid down his spine, colder than ice. He focused his eyes, and began reading the page. It took 3 seconds for the black blurs in a dead white scroll to become legible. He read a single word.

Suddenly, to his dismay, the page spontaneously combusted. Derrick watched for two minutes, immobile, as hopelessly, it was slowly engulfed in tongues of terrible, smoldering destruction. Crackle, Pop. It curled, blackened, and slowly disappeared. Every moment that passed, his pain increased more and more. Starbursts of fire struck his veins with startling fury.

Eventually, there was nothing more. His surroundings swirled, black against even darked black… and came back in a mix of color.

Derrick finally woke up. Worst dream he’d had in a long time.

He swallowed it.


:fire:


14 Likes

Enjoy my wall of textual nonsense. :slight_smile:

Chapter 2 coming some time in the next 48 years :mariomug:

Also feedback (AND CRITICISM) is appreciated. It helps a lot when I write the next part. :nod::+1:

(edge)

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Yes. :sunglasses:

Ultimate edgy writing.

Can’t wait​:smiling_imp::snowflake:

1 Like

For what? :thinking:

I’m assuming it’s something good though, so thanks :nod::v:

I literally never read writing because it gives me 15 brain tumors per post but you got better at writing from that last time where your narrative is actually comprehensible now, just gotta work on minor word choice and actually make it coherent. It’s like when a writer builds a world in his head but doesn’t translate that world to writing/typing properly.

Below are changes that I think could’ve been made but aren’t necessary by any means depending on the tone you’re trying to convey. Also when I use a *, I’m not talking about grammar unless I am, mainly tone.

was silly of* him

“Just Imagine” doesn’t sound like a good thing for a character to say in an “emotional” moment nor does that make any sense in the context.

His father had said on a foggy afternoon {like today}.“Your mother, she used* her gift to defeat criminals all across our great continent(Why did Vetex pick such a dumb name for WoM’s continent idk). Isn’t that amazing?”{I think Derrick should’ve had a reply here before moving to the next paragraph, or even mentioning what Derrick thought at this question}. It had been 5 days since then.

This should be the 3rd paragraph and move the paragraph of the father talking that afternoon up.

exceptionally potent* or exceptionally talented* would’ve fit better with the mother who has poison magic and would be less redudant

so* they {{had(If in past tense use had, if they still do, just use tended to)}tended to} made fun of the Snow Folk quite a lot.

Could’ve specified what library, like “arcane” or “snowfolk” library or something to signify its importance while still not revealing much about it allowing it to show up in a later plot point.

Despite already reaching the age of 15,*

Saying being and by now feels redundant, you could also just say “Despite being 15,” and it would work better

His mother and father were filled with* a mixture of disappointment and surprise.

If it was an intentional metaphor, it still doesn’t logically fit to have the parents “be” a mixture of abstract concepts.

Derrick was from* a long line of magic users

Should’ve just put an “and” instead of the period

a few of their* neighbors

subversive*
Using “rebel” just sounds unnecessarily dumb and edgy when the said person is rebelling more for “knowledge” as opposed to “freedom”

worked, or* what the

frigid region*

wasteland makes very little sense

Reach it*
Would tie in the idea of it being just “out of grasp” better.

No matter how long it would take*

Repeating it with 0 difference doesn’t add emphasis like you think it does

specify a color after illuminated

crumbled*

Fits better for the falling of a building

Then the world dropped down, down, descending even further down.*

A 3rd person omniscient narrator shouldn’t be psychologically effected by the story, if it was a character thinking “Down, down.” it should’ve been in quotes.

Doesn’t really fit here, excruciating or agonizing work better.

Also why skin, should’ve just said “body” or “chest”, maybe even “head” or “heart”. Skin doesn’t really portray a feeling of pain.

Derrick tried to scream, yet* absolutely nothing came out.

An unsettling silence lingered* as his hopes evaporated.

It is not in any way a good idea to use 3 word sentences unless your sure tone is properly conveyed where in this case, 3 words isn’t necessary since this isn’t a character speaking.

His head turned upwards involuntarily as* fear slowly dripped down his spine*

A tiny white dot materialized in the darkness slowly floated down from side to side, back and forth.

impossible*

lolled*

Just delete this, the narrator is a narrator, not the character, if you wanted him to think “Just a bit more,” you should’ve put, he was thinking “If only I could reach just a little farther” or something.

violently whipped*

brutally smashed*

Derrick had had* no time to react.

Don’t question the english language Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Derrick tried to feel his arms as he slowly realized they’d simply disappeared and felt as if the universe itself was mocking him while he kept failing to life himself up.

This doesn’t make sense at all

?

Tl;dr: Stop making 2 word sentences

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I only gave you 14 brain tumors? Progress city!

No idea. I know the planet the Arcane Universe is on actually has a name I just have to sift through the lore doc to find it

Sorry, i’m weird at the first parts of stories

It’s gonna show up later. It doesn’t really have a name though, just “Library”

It wasn’t, i’ll fix it :nod:

I got braindead around this point of writing

You’re right

Still trying to figure out what kind of point of view the story’s from :sleeper:

Haha yes english

I was planning on it making a lot less sense but I only had 2 braincells left

LMAO only now i’m noticing that. Probably has the highest sentence count in any work of literature :skull:

Thanks for the feedback, I nearly never check over my work and am way too self absorbed to do anything about it. I’ll work on better vocabulary and do some grammar checks next time.

But I do appreciate you actually thinking it’s somewhat decent, it means a lot dude

Yo I fixed it :cold_face:

I hope at least. Thank you so much for the advice. :slight_smile:

At least advanced writing is better than the average forum user’s daily aneurysm sentences

Good job, and pro tip if you’re not already, to get better at grammar and spelling (which you are already good at) use google docs. It fixes both of those. I also just learned that you can see character (letters) and word count with ctrl + shift + c. You can toggle it to show when you’re typing too.

:moyai: :pen: :paper_magic_var1:

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I do use google docs, always have for writing

I don’t see any reason to use anything different

Thatta’ boy

:muscle: :moyai:

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:moyai::handshake::moyai:

I used to hate reading because it was boring, but I eventually got into making stories. I still don’t like reading long books, but it’s refreshing to read small chapters.
:sunglasses:

And guess what? Your boy, OhHey, is going for that juicy role, you know why? Because I’m making an unplanned story about a certain character in a certain world. SO, stay tuned, time skip, skill issue, let’s get it.

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Lessgo! :poggers2:

Waitin’ for the day you get that role :flushed::v:

It’ll be soon if Liu responds

Spoiler:
:gun: :cowboy_hat_face:

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Them fancy words
OIP

1 Like

Thank you!!! :heart:

(btw i’m not an expert at writing or anything, just my thoughts)
Criticism #1

What does his new job have to do with the story?
Also, you should have explained why he wanted to break into the library before saying he wanted to break in
as I was reading, I was like bro why is this guy breaking into a library just check out the books

Criticism #2

just say his mouth filled with blood :skull:

Criticism #3

What did he swallow???

But it was a pretty interesting read