I don’t want this to be seen by another soul ever again
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It’s awesome that writing isn’t dead on the forums. A few people still write sometimes. Because of that I’d rather see them keep writing, and be given structured criticism.
This applies for general writing, so maybe not in-game stories, but what is Orthys? Not everyone will know, including me. It’s hard to imagine a story when only some of it is painted for you.
I’ve sort of been taught to assume the reader is a potato and that you have to spell out everything for them, but find a good middle ground between the audience’s knowledge and given information.
Another thing, you mention the edge of Orthys twice when I think the second time works better itself in the context. I’d also like you to be more specific with why your character feels certain ways, like a husk.
Little bit of rationale here too, but, how could the character say a long sentence on the way down if the fall was so short? Or how one moment of silence away from burdens was in reality hours? Stuff like that, make sure is sensible. For sure stuff in your head, on paper, and in conversation can process way differently, so make sure it’s all cleared up beforehand.
I would say keep the writing more consistent, the character seems a little stiff and dry but also laid back at times with the way they speak, in this short piece though we don’t get much so I realize the story is larger.
Also, last thing, about mental health. Suicide seems a leap in this context. Our character seems burdened, but still stable. We don’t get why they resorted to suicide when only so little was exposed on their past. And if you feel like that’s you and this is a parallel to you struggles, good work on your part. I struggled with some heavy PTSD this past year and anxiety so I understand why you’d write about it. It relieves a lot of pent-up stress.
I hope you read all this or take the time to, and I enjoy seeing you guys improve your writing.
A nice siren?? I wonder why 
Thank for the feedback. This story was genuinely made from the darkest depths of my mind during one of my violent lows, apologies for the dark bits. I’d say I regret writing this, but I actually cannot physically recall writing or posting this
I would write some in the moment nice writing which turned out to sound angst and odd later when I was really struggling. So I can understand why
cool