Escape from Hell

‘‘I’ve had enough of this suffering’’, said Alastor, who was now atop the walls of Summer Hold, staring at the dull night sky, which seemed to mirror his mood. He gritted his teeth and thought of all the abuse he had suffered while being kept hostage by King David. He had somehow managed to guilt-trip a kindly guard into letting him go out for some fresh air. He felt bad because the guard would obviously be killed because of this mistake. For he was going to leave Summer Hold. He was going to escape. He was going to be free. After 13 years of suffering, he had finally mustered up the courage, the balls, to leave the horrid place.
He took in a large breath and let it out, his breath leaving a frosty mist in its wake. It was chilly. He tightened his white robe around himself and jumped from the walls.
Midair, he curled up his body and covered his head and ribs, hoping to lessen the impact of his fall. He hit the ground with a crack but was otherwise unharmed. He got up and dusted himself off. He pulled out his map from the sack he had slung over his shoulder, which contained some food items, all his savings -which were decently hefty- and flasks filled with water. It also contained an item very precious to him…
He pored over the map, looking for the nearest town he could be able to settle in and get himself sorted out. ‘‘Ironport…it seems ok enough.’’ He smiled, asking himself why he didn’t do this earlier.
Off he went, sprinting into the night, hoping for the best while the worst awaited him.


unfunny :neutral_face:

I don’t…get it?

What was unfunny? Did I do something wrong? It wasn’t meant to be comedical?

I think it’s some kind of joke. I like that you chose magius for your setting. Most people don’t do that nowadays

nah im jk loved your writing btw

some paragraphs would make this much friendlier to readers

I’ll give more detailed critique in a bit, need to eat dinner

Alright so a bit of a warning, a lot of my critique is way harsher then it needs to be. Regardless of what you read here, keep on improving your stories, you may not start out great, but nobody does, and you can’t do as bad as my first story

This seems… hard to believe. Who would let someone out of a dungeon so that they could have fresh air? Not too big a plot hole, but something to avoid in the future.

I feel like a bit more description.
Maybe something like
“He felt bad for the guard that would be left to face the King’s wrath, but his sacrifice was unfortunately necessary”

Informal laungauge kinda breaks the tension of the scene

Why did he need to jump off? Couldn’t he take the stairs or something?

Why does he have any possessions? Didn’t he just escape from a dungeon or something?

I think the balls part is ok. You can really see the narrator’s voice come through so it doesn’t sound like someone just mechanically writing everything that happened… but why’d it have to be emphasized? I woulda just omitted courage and said “he had finally mustered up the balls…” so it sounds less redundant


sus rock reaction

Reading the story and the replies, I have come to the conclusion of: balls


For the first and second ones, I have trouble with descriptions and stuff, so if you could further help me with things like that with criticisms and tips, I would really appreciate it!
Uhm, for the third one, all I have to say is thanks for telling me, I have not written anything online for people to see before or anything. I mean I don’t write a lot, so mistakes like that go unnoticed by me. Thanks! I’ll try to focus on maintaining moods and tension by using correct language :slight_smile:

Ok so for your fourth critique, it was my bad not to include that the stairs were guarded. I didn’t include that, sorry. For your fifth critique, he has possessions because although he is kept under the rule and control of the King, he isn’t really a criminal or anything. They are possessions which may be given to him if he requested them. As for the special item, this is all I’ll say: He had that before he was brought there.

Once again, thank you for your criticisms, I really appreciate it that you were able to point out stuff I could improve upon! :slight_smile:

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Damm i cant believe he escaped david basement