Lady Carina Catches Cancer

Somewhere in Ravenna, something devious was brewing.
Something truly evil. A power so great that even the strong warriors have fallen to it.
It’s name… is cancer.

A woman wearing a cowboy hat and a long coat, holding 2 pistols in both hands and a musket on her back approaches a shadowy figure.

“Carina… show yourself.”, said the woman, gripping her pistols.

“How do you know I’m Carina?”, answered the shadowy figure. You have to admit it was a good question. It’s a shadowy figure, after all.

“Huh. I have to admit that’s a good question, but it’s suspicious to see you standing in where Carina normally would be.”, said the woman.

“Yeah, I don’t know where she is. I was waiting for her, but she’s been gone for a long while.”

The woman walked up to the shadowy figure and gave it a piece of bread.
“Might as well eat while we wait. So, how was your week?”

“It was terrible! Yesterday, my mom made me fish with my dad for half of the day because I needed to ‘go outside’. I tried telling her Arcane Odyssey players don’t go outside, but she just looked at me all confused and slapped me.”, said the shadow figure.

As the two talked about all the horrible things that had happened to them throughout the week, somewhere ELSE in Ravenna, something extremely and truly devious was brewing.

Meanwhile, in the Ravenna Castello…

Revon took his brother’s death really bad. He’s been stuck on the anger and depression stage for about 4 months.

While Revon forced the local musicians to play sad songs like, Tears in Heaven, I’ll Be Missing You, It Should Have Been Me, and How Could You Leave Me, he was about to be hit by another sledgehammer.

“Keep going. Someone bring me another bottle of wine!”, yelled Revon, lounging on his comically sized couch, while 5 musicians were being held at gunpoint by 5 Ensigns(not a lot of musicians will willingly play sad, depressing songs all day for minimum wage).

Some may say Revon had a very odd coping mechanism, and they would be right. It’s not even a coping mechanism. I’m failing to find the words that would describe what this is.

One of Revons closer Centurions burst through the room.

“Hey! Can’t you see I’m listening to music? Don’t you know interrupting my music time is punishable by death?”, screeched Revon, tossing a bottle of wine at the Centurions face.

The Centurion, unfazed, unloaded the bad news to Revon.

“Carina’s sick.”

“Oh, really? What illness? Chronic traumatic brain injury , chronic traumatic encephalopathy , boxer’s encephalopathy or dementia pugilistica?”

“What? No, none of those. She got cancer.”

Revon stared at the Centurion for a moment.

“Musicians, play ‘Cancer’.”, said Revon, going back to lounging.

You might think that it was odd for Revon to not be concerned at all for Carina, but truly, he couldn’t bring himself to go and see her at the royal clinic.

Indeed, something truly devious was brewing.

“So, doc. Am I gonna die?”, said Carina, with all the hair on her body completely shaved off. She looked similar to a monk, except without the praying.

The doctor looked at Carina disappointedly.

“Well, honestly, yeah. There is quite literally nothing we can do to combat this disease. You might as well try to raid Whitesummit.”(518 dmg primal swipe not including bleed)

“Damn it… who did this to me? I’m too young to get cancer!”, yelled Carina, tossing a bed out of the window.

“Honestly, I’m clueless. Also, there is no age requirement for cancer. Welp, that’ll be 100,001 galleons.”

After Carina finished removing the organs from her royal doctor, she took a stroll.
She thought about what she should do next. Maybe she’ll quit the fight life and become an explorer. There is a lot to explore.

Maybe she’ll get married? Nah. She’s ugly as hell.

So, when Carina arrived at the Shining Plains and proceeded to get filled to the brim with bullets and shadow magic blasts, she remembered…

“Wait… cancer doesn’t exist! It was a fabrication of my brain… it was just a big prank!”

However, it was too late, as a Shadow Magic Nuclear Bomb was already headed her way.

The last words she heard were “Oh, I got her legs! Oh. I already have her legs.”


extremely, comically devious.

bro fucking hates carina

look at this goofy ahh


I mean, it make sense—think about just how many light and explosion mages have fought her. At some point all of that energy adds up.

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Alas, a fresh masterpiece has befallen Faction Wright. May this blessing spur many anew.

LOL :skull:

holy based

peak writing

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Lady carina got magic cancer due to magic radiation from king calvus