Little Lotus (pilot)

Writing General Writing
1

Little Lotus (pilot)

Note: I do not know how to write. This is a pilot, please do tell me any suggestions and what I should fix in my story writing format. !THIS WILL NOT BE ACCURATE TO THE MAIN STORY!

It’s a good day at the bronze sea. The sea is a beautiful colour of dark blue and sparkling in the shining golden sun. A distant voice is heard by the ship captain.

???: “HELP! HELP!”

Ship captain: “Did you hear that? There seems to be someone out in the sea”

Ship deckhand 1: “It must be one of those low-life castaways…” -he grunts-

Ship deckhand 2: “Well… those ‘low life’ castaways are out at sea starving!”

Ship deckhands: -nods and discussed to their nearby crew members-

Ship captain: “Everyone quiet down”

The ship went quiet after that. They listened to the castaway’s voice and headed towards it. Slowly but surely, they found him. “Oh! Thank god!” said the castaway. The captain lent him his hand and said “Come aboard!”. The captain welcomed himself and the crew members to the castaway. The castaway introduces himself as “Alex” and thanked Captain Tyson for letting him come aboard the ship.

Tyson: “It’s my pleasure! The Sea Mao welcomes any kinds of people!”

Alex: “Thank you again! I appreciate your help!”

Ship deckhand 1: “So how did this happen? Got abandoned by your captain?” -he chuckled-

Alex: -mumbles and ignored the chuckling deckhand-

Deckhand 2: "Don’t be mean to him mate.

Deckhand 1: “Why? It’s not like anything I said was wrong” -he rolled his eyes-

The ship went silent for a few moments…

Alex: “So what do I do, Captain Tyson?”

Tyson: “Please just call me by my name. ‘Captain Tyson’ isn’t really my cup o’ tea” -Alex nodded-

Tyson: “Anyways, you could… take charge of the cannons. KEVIN!”

Kevin: -he turns around to the captain and said- “Right captain?”

Tyson: “Accompany this newcomer here!”

Alex walked to the deckhand and stood next to the cannon. The crew members started talking about their new companion and mumbled their doubts about him. The captain and crew members discussed about their next destination and decided it was going to be palo town.

After a few moments of sailing one of the deckhands yelled out “OPPOSING SHIP AHEAD”. The captain takes notice of this and Enizor commands “READY YOUR CANNONS”. All the deckhands started loading the cannons including Alex. The captain commands the deckhands to release the sails and Enizor to take control of the ship. Tyson mumbled to Enizor “ram them” and walked towards the ship’s figurehead. The ship was at full speed and rammed the opposing pirate ship. The deckhands prepare for battle but Tyson told them to not battle them.

Tyson: “Hello fellow pirates! It’s a good day today! We came here to negotiate! I would-”

One of the opposing deckhands cuts him off then tries to attack him. Tyson avoids the attack and clenched the silent claws and said in a low voice
“Water Beast Instinct…”

The opposing co-captain knew this was their end and accepted their fate. Blood splattered everywhere there was fear in Alex’s eyes. The opposite captain looked at Tyson in the eye and said “Me poor ship… how could ya do this to us…”. Tyson walks to the kneeling and bleeding man and said “Well think twice before becoming a pirate…” As the pirate lied unconsciously Tyson whispered to the captain “Sweet dreams… you did good” and closed their eye in a respective manner. After the brief battle was over the crew stepped on the ship and carried all the sealed chests onto The Sea Mao.

Alex frozen in a state of shock. A crewmember asked while carrying a golden chest “You 'k there, mate?”. Alex muttered back “I…- yes-…” The deckhand stayed quiet for a moment and replied back “Alrighty, ask us anything ya want. We don’t bite.” Alex replied in relief “Tha- thank you…”. After a while one of the crewmembers yelled
“Al’ight, I think we’re done!”

Tyson: “Right, hop on.” Enizor: “Release the sails!”

Alex: “Hey captain… may I ask something?”

Tyson: -hm?- “Ask away!”

Alex: “Right… so… is the bronze sea always this… terrifying?”

Tyson: “Whatever do you mean by that?”

Alex: “Well… I saw that you… murdered all those pirates… It was a bit cruel to me…”

Tyson: “Aren’t you a pirate? I’m sure you know this stuff”

Alex: “Well… yes… but we didn’t really sink any ships…” -turns around and looks at the sea-

Tyson: “…Yeah the sea is quite cruel sometimes…” -A moment of silence- “But you know…, it’s not all that bad… look at this place! The vast sea is where I find my heart! The sea is sparkling, the sun is shining! The treasure is… glistening! It’s quite great honestly.”

Alex: “Yeah… but… what if you… die in this… vast sea?.. your family and friends won’t know how you die…”

Tyson frowned and lost his joyful grin. He puts on a seemingly obvious grin and says “Well yeah, that would be quite disheartening… but… atleast you sink with the treasure!”

Alex: “…I’d like to point out that your smile is obviously fake” -smiles and chuckles"

Tyson: “Are you sure? I’m sure it’s not! It looks great…” -turns around to the whole crew- “OI THIS GUY THINKS MY FAKE SMILE IS OBVIOUS”

The crew laughs and pointed out that Alex was right. The ship arrives at Palo Town as the sun sets. Some of the deckhands go out to meet their families and friends. Most go out to buy resources and open sealed chests. Alex thanks Tyson for letting him on his ship and gives some galleons as thanks.
Alex: “Thank you for letting me on your ship! It was a fun time while it lasted!..”

Tyson: “It is my pleasure!”

Alex: “Here’s 100 galleons for you as a thanks!”

Tyson: -flustered by the money- “Oh please, i don’t need it… really!”

Alex: “Oh come on… take it!” Tyson replied instantly “I really don’t need it!”

Alex: “Alright then I’m keeping this.”

Tyson: “WAIT NO!” Alex mumbled “I knew it…” and chuckled. “You got me…” -said Tyson

Tyson takes the galleons flustered. Alex again thanks him for his services. As the crew was waving at Alex. One deckhand shouted “TSUNAMI INCOMING”. Nobody took notice of it and cared. The deckhand keeps shouting but he wasn’t heard… as the tsunami hits the ship in a loud woosh. Everyone panicked… The End

Again sorry for wasting your time. English is my second language so please do tell me how i could improve my wording! The full story may… be uploaded but I’m not sure!

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I don’t know how in depth you want the feedback to be, so I’ll only say something about character communication; dialogue. I’ll give examples and try not to change too much from your original text. There are numerous ways to write it. While each person has their own style for writing, there is a correct way to format dialogue. For a few short examples of just formatting, I’ll use this piece of dialogue from Alex:

While you did indent the dialogue correctly (for what the AO forum will allow), you used colons to signify a character beginning to speak, and while that isn’t technically incorrect in writing, it’s usually only used in such a way for scripts that actors would read off of to memorize lines. Instead of using the name, then colons, and finally dialogue, the traditional way - which is far more likely to be less jarring - is often written as such:

Example 1:
“So, what do I do, Captain Tyson?” Alex questioned.

Example 2:
Alex looked to the captain. “So, what do I do, Captain Tyson?”

Example 3:
Alex turned to the captain and asked him, “So, what do I do, Captain Tyson?”

Example 4:
“So,” Alex said, “What do I do, Captain Tyson?”

There are many more ways to write out that question from Alex, but I think those four are good enough for now to keep it simple. In creative writing, unlike a script, you have the freedom to also describe the actions a character does before, during, or after they speak with dialogue tags. While they are in the previous examples, you also used some in your story. You can get more in-depth with dialogue tag descriptions, but the degree of said description is mostly personal writing style.

Now for a string of text between two characters:

The crew laughs and pointed out that Alex was right. The ship arrives at Palo Town as the sun sets. Some of the deckhands go out to meet their families and friends. Most go out to buy resources and open sealed chests. Alex thanks Tyson for letting him on his ship and gives some galleons as thanks.

*Note:

  • While this can vary depending on context, in this situation isn’t necessary to state verbatim that Alex thanked Tyson for letting him on this ship and then have Alex say, “Thank you for letting me on your ship!” Two ways come to mind to put this into speech and action:

Example 1:

Alex spared some galleons to Tyson with a grin. “Thank you for letting me on your ship!” he said.

Example 2:

“Thank you for letting me on your ship!” Alex expressed warmly with hands full of galleons.

Back And Forth Between Two Characters:

Alex: “Thank you for letting me on your ship! It was a fun time while it lasted!..”

Tyson: “It is my pleasure!”

Alex: “Here’s 100 galleons for you as a thanks!”

Tyson: -flustered by the money- “Oh please, i don’t need it… really!”

Alex: “Oh come on… take it!” Tyson replied instantly “I really don’t need it!”

Alex: “Alright then I’m keeping this.”

Tyson: “WAIT NO!” Alex mumbled “I knew it…” and chuckled. “You got me…” -said Tyson

When there is a dialogue between two characters that has a great deal of back-and-forth speaking, you do not need to use a dialogue tag each line. You’d only need to do so when they begin speaking for the first time in that sequence. But it could also be a case of where a character in his dialogue/dialogue tag directly acknowledging another character could fulfill the purpose of identifying and, thus signifying, the entrance of a character. Once again, it’s really dependent on context, situation, or really whatever your style is.

To give yourself an easier path to follow when trying to write out well-formatted dialogue, have this goal in mind: Avoid having the text sound too repetitive when it’s being read, especially out loud. So if you find yourself using one-word dialogue tags too often, spice it up by using longer descriptions for dialogue tags.
I know it may all sound confusing, so I’ll try to do my best with some more examples here:

Example:

Alex reached into his pockets and scavenged out some galleons before presenting them to Captain Tyson. “Thank you for letting me on your ship!” he thanked, “It was a fun time while it lasted!”

The captain’s eyes lit up. “Oh please, I don’t need it — really!”

“Oh come on… take it!” Alex insisted.

“I really don’t need it!”

“Alright then,” Alex conceded with a shrug, “I guess I’m keeping them.”

“Wait, no!” Tyson exclaimed, an arm outstretched by instinct.

Alex stopped in his tracks with a smug grin. “I knew it,” he chuckled.

“You got me…” Captain Tyson surrendered.

Dialogue Between Three (Or More) Characters:

When more than two people taking part in a discussion, it’s very important to make sure you include a dialogue tag to identify them beginning to speak.

Rewritten example with this dialogue above:

“It’s my pleasure!” Captain Tyson boasted, “The Sea Mao welcomes all people!”

The castaway Alex put his hands together in gratitude and nodded. “Thank you again! I appreciate the help!”

One of the deckhands questioned with a cynical tongue, “So how did this happen? Got abandoned by your captain?” he finished with a mocking chuckle.

Alex mumbled some inaudible spit, deciding to ignore him. A second deckhand, however, came in with a disappointed scowl towards his crewmate. “Don’t be mean to him, mate,” he warned.

“Why?” the cynical deckhand spat with rolling eyes, “It’s not like anything I said was wrong.”

I think the main point here is to get the story to be typed as writing in a book and not a script – unless… that’s what you were going for? The best way to improve overall, however, is to simply read to novels/short stories/media. It’ll help you with formatting and story descriptions where there is no dialogue and such a lot. You can also listen to stories or even be watching story-driven media and shows if you want improved wording for when you are writing/typing your stories, especially with dialogue.

No time was wasted – there be nothing to apologize for. Hope I helped in some way