so I have seen all the new pokemon from scarlet and violet and now it’s time for me as a pokemon enthusiast to rank and critique them all from first impressions!
disclaimer some may not appear because I got super lazy and yeah fuk u bleeehhh
we’ll rank each one out of 10:
1 being “EW WHAT THE SHIT KILL IT EWWWW”
10 being “Wow this is an awesome design I love it!!!”
we’ll start with the new starter pokemon:
Sprigatito family
so here’s the one and only weed cat, might pick but idk maybe not, anyways the first evo is honestly the cutest form so easy 9/10 for me.
here is sprigatito’s evolution: floragato
oh boy another bipedal cat pokemon ain’t this just FUCKING LOVELY 
6/10 it’s cool but why did it become furbait 
and for the final evolution: meowscarada
If we ignore the fact it’s so painfully furbait I think it looks cool, like some kind of thieve or something idk but I don’t mind it too much, a solid 7.5/10. 
Fuecoco family
rice cooker with down syndrome lawl xd 8/10
it’s evolution: crocalor
is that supposed to be like hair or some kind of nest I don’t get it ngl 5/10
the final evolution: skeledirge
honestly really cool looking, the weird nest from the previous evo is now a tiny little bird pokemon and I think I can really appreciate how it’s the only QUADRUPEDAL final starter evo. 9/10
Quaxly family
shaped like frien 8.5/10
the evolution is: Quaxwell
even though it’s bipedal it isn’t awful? I think he looks matured and fierce but still somewhat frien. 7/10
the final form is: Quaquaval
I think this is the fruitiest looking final evolution I have ever seen 
solid 9/10 you work it babe
Lechonk family
legendary name, boring as fuck design. 6/10.
it’s evolution is known as: oinkologne
honestly now it’s just lame. 4/10.
dudunsparce (crossgen evolution)
bro just got longer 7/10 he looks cool tbh, a bit bland and they maybe could have made him look a little more powerful and mighty but ah whatever I’m just happy dunsparce finally evolved.
Tarontula family
this is top tier bug type design solid 10/10
it’s evolution is spidops:
man
fell off hard ngl 6/10 it’s just boring to look at.
Nymble family
cutie 8/10
His evo is lokix:
badass robot bug 9/10
Rellor family
no opinion tbh, 5/10
it’s evolution is rabsca:
surprisingly massive glow-up, looks really cool and the dung ball is some weird mystic orb I like it alot 8/10
Greavard family
aww funny ghost candle doggy! 9/10 I really like the gimmick and idea of it and it’s really cool.
the evolution: houndstone
hmmm, a lot of potential was missed here, having more candles on the dog would have been awesome, but, alas, we get this, it isn’t bad, but it needs more 7/10
Flittle family
dumb looking 6.5/10
it evolves into espathra:
it has some spooky vibes I like it 8.5/10
our second crossgen evo: farigiraf
honestly kinda badass! 9/10 I like the second head is now a hoodie.
Wiglett family
penis/10
it becomes wugtrio:
I mean it’s kinda cool but it looks a bit too silly for my liking. 7.5/10
Dondonzo
this is literally a zelda reference.
8/10
Veluza
WAS THAT THE FISH OF 87???
7.5/10 creepy and robotic
Finizen family
well guys we finally got a dolphin pokemon.
it’s pretty cute ngl, 8.5/10.
it becomes palafin with 2 forms:
“zero form”
this is literally the same fucking thing with a heart shaped scar on the chest 6/10 for un-creative evolution moment booo
“hero form”
bro is a yo-kai watch character now xd. 7/10 goofy asf
Smoliv family
please be nice guys she has a lot of anxiety 9/10
She evolves into dolliv:
eh no opinion 8/10
and finally becomes: Arbolivia
me when I become a tree ecks dee so relatable
9/10 pretty cool and elegant
Capsakid family
I wanna kick it to the moon ew 5/10
it evolves into scovillian:
at first I disliked it but the more I look at this thing the more I like it, honestly kinda genius and has one of the greatest names ever lol, also the first ever grass/fire type to exist from what I believe. 9/10.
Tadbulb family
derpy smile, big brain, 8.5/10
becomes Bellibolt:
yeah the fake eyes ruin it tbh. 7.5/10
Varoom family
weird looking engine thing but I like it I guess. 7.5/10
it becomes revavroom:
NOW THIS THING IS JUST A FUCKING CAR POKEMON 10/10 ACTUALLY BADASS
Orthworm
bootleg steelix 6/10 
Tandemaus family
cute awww 8/10
they become what is known as maushold:
omg there a baby now 
9/10
Cetoddle family
round baby thing 7/10
becomes cetitan upon evolution
huge glow-up tbh, solid 9/10 looks really cool and strong
Frigibax family
treecko’s weird cousin with down syndrome 5/10 ew
evolves into arctibax:
meh/10
and finally becomes baxcalibur:
this generation’s pseudo legend is pretty neat, looks hella beefy and very cool, 8/10
Tatsugiri
DO NOT EAT SUSHI THAT IS LAYING AROUND OUTSIDE IT IS THIS POKEMON WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE
9/10 sushi fish
Cyclizar
it’s just the box legendaries but for poor people and randoms haha xd 7/10
Pawmi family
dnc tbh /10
becomes pawmo:
it’s just bigger now 
5/10
and finally becomes: Pawmot
even bigger, but it does look cool so I guess a solid 8/10
Wattrel family
weird bird xd 7/10
becomes Kilowattrel:
8/10 no comment
Bombirdier
idk tbh it’s just a weird stork
Squawkabilly
why do you exist / 10
Flamigo
someone really thought this was a good pokemon idea.
it is a literal fucking flamingo.
why/10
Klawf
“I exist to act as a one time gimmick boss battle and dex filler”
4/10
Nacli family
ain’t no way this was not based off the mario mushroom 7/10
evolves into naclstack:
mf is minecraft addict lmao 7/10
and finally into garganacl:
…
this pokemon is proof that there is canonically a minecraft like game in this universe.
you place 4 salt blocks and put a pumpkaboo as the head.
11/10 this is a masterpiece of pokemon
Glimmet family
fleshy beldum tbh 7/10
evolves into glimmora:
ya know, if I had a dime for every rock/poison type to exist that doesn’t even remotely resemble a rock and is some weird jellyfish creature, I would have 2:
it’s not a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Shroodle family
what in FUCKS NAME is his thing 0/10
evolves into grafaiai?
“I like to paint it paint it, I like to paint it paint it”
8/10
Fidough family
I feel like I have been blessed after seeing this, 10/10.
evolves into dachsbun:
9/10 no comment
Maschiff family
stupid looking idc/10
evolves into mabosstiff
mafia dog, feels obligatory to name it tony. 8/10
Bramblin family
“they see me rolling… they hating… patrollin’ and trying to catch me riding dirty”
9/10
evolves into brambleghast:
" Grindin’ to see if they can see me lean
I’m tint, so it ain’t easy to be seen
When you see me ride by, they can see the gleam
And my shine on the deck and the TV screen
And I’m ridin’ with a new chick, she like, “Hold up”
Next to the PlayStation controller
Is a full clip and my pistola
Turn a jacker into a coma
Girl you ain’t know, I’m crazy like Krayzie Bone
Just tryin’ to bone, ain’t tryin’ to have no babies
Ride clean as hell so I pull in ladies
Law’s on patrol, and you know they hate me
Music turned all the way up until the maximum
I can speak for some ###### tryin’ to jack for some
But we packin’ somethin’ that we have for ‘em
Will have a ######## locked up in the maximum
Security cell, I’m grippin’ oak (oak)
Music loud and tippin’ slow (slow)
Twin’s steady twistin’ like, “Hit this though”
Police pull up right behind and it’s in his throat
The windows down, gotta stop pollution
CD change, ####### like, “Who is that producing?”
This the Play-N-Skillz when we out and cruisin’
Got warrants in every city except Houston, but I’m still ain’t losin’
They see me rollin’
They hatin’
Patrollin’ and tryna catch me ridin’ dirty"
10/10
Gimmighoul family
bro is loaded 
8/10
evolves into gholdengo:
string cheese deluxe dlc only for 999.99$ USD
10/10
Great tusk (paradox past donphan)
really cool and scary 8/10
Brute bonnet (paradox pokemon 591)
the ungabungus is real 9/10
Sandy shocks (paradox magneton)
really love this one and is probably my favorite paradox form for scarlet, the ferrosand looks so cool and it just is so silly to make a robotic pokemon like magneton become a caveman barbarian. 11/10
Scream tail (paradox jigglypuff)
unga bunga puff moment 9/10 no comment
Flutter maine (paradox misdreavus)
7/10 just looks like a grumpier version of the original, also kinda defeats the purpose of mismagius oof
Slither wing (paradox past volcarona)
really cool looking but eh not super a fan 8/10
roaring moon (paradox salamence)
looks super badass, easy 9/10
Iron treads (paradox future donphan)
kinda doesn’t look like donphan a whole lot but I can somewhat see the resemblance, decent I guess. 8/10
Iron moth (paradox future volcarona)
so apparently the dex entry for this is that it’s an alien or something that observes humans I guess but why would it be based on some random ass insect.
how would it be based on volcarona tho, do the aliens know about volcarona or what if volcarona is secretly alien 
:amogus:
9/10 cool pokemon
Iron hands (paradox hariyama)
it appears that hariyama has been indulging himself in the star wars fanbase a little too much…
10/10 super cool design I love it
Iron jugulis (paradox hydreigon)
the dex entry is so fucking hilarious I can’t:
bro does that mean hydreigon canonically fucked a robot
Iron thorns (paradox tyranitar)
idk for some reason not super hype about this one. 6/10 meh.
Iron bundle (paradox delibird)
ladies and gentlemen, the sole reason why I am getting violet.
100/10 IT IS SO COOL
omg I neeed it I NEEEED IT
simply the most based creation of the future, elon musk malding frfr
delibird’s revenge 
Iron valiant (paradox gallade (I think...?) or gardevoir)
I am putting my money on the idea that this was the robot hydreigon fucked and had a kid with.
9/10 super cool robot AND “pleasure” toy capable of offspring? crazy
Ting-lu
bro is built like a fucking 4th grade pottery and clay assignment 5/10 meh
Chien-pao
names got me like:
[MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTRY OF STATE] (我们的) 25,245,264 pokemon Credits have been removed from your account! Bad work citizen; do not purposefully spread dissent and misinformation among the pokemon which can make our holy paldea look bad. Glory to the scarlet violet Communist Party!
[来自国家部的消息] 25,245,264 pokemon Credits 已从您的帐户中删除！糟糕的工作公民，不要公开发表你的意见，这会让我们的神圣状态看起来很糟糕。荣耀 gamefreak 共产党！
Wo-chien
ATTENTION CITIZEN! 市民请注意!
This is the Central Intelligentsia of the Chinese Communist Party. 您的 Internet 浏览器历史记录和活动引起了我们的注意 YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY HAS ATTRACTED OUR ATTENTION. 志們注意了 you have been found protesting in the subreddit!!! 這是通知你，你必須 我們將接管台灣 serious crime 以及世界其他地方 100 social credits have been deducted from your account 這對我們所有未來的下屬來說都是一個重要的機會 stop the protest immediately 立即加入我們的宣傳活動，提前獲得 do not do this again! 不要再这样做! if you do not hesitate, more social credits ( -11115 social credits )will be subtracted from your profile, resulting in the subtraction of ration supplies. (由人民供应部重新分配 ccp) you’ll also be sent into a re-education camp in the xinjiang uyghur autonomous zone.
为党争光! Glory to the CCP!
Chi-yu
fish. 10/10.
Koraidon and Miraidon
koraidon is big daddy himbo dragon lizard 
perfect for @anon32468667
so like 9/10
miraidon is just cyclizar for cool people so same 9/10
Tinkatink family
tinkatink sad 
tinkatuff grumpi 
tinkaton homicidal 
Charcadet family
he is a small guy 8/10
depending on game he evolve into:
armarouge
9/10 very cool look like megaman
or ceruledge
he will uhh chop you up badly haha 9/10
Toedscool family
he’s exist 7/10
evolve into toedscruel
cool guy 8/10
okay and I think that’s all of them!!
too lazy to do the regional tauros, clodisre is like a 10/10 idk he based, k bye I’m exhausted from making this, in another 2 years when the next game to arrives, may do this again.
oh yeah kinggambit or whatever is like 9/10 super cool
gosh this was truly an arcane odyssey
