Ultimatum Part 21

so today one of ace’s soldiers forgets how to play entry point: WOM edition

todays part was also streamed in tobi comics


fun fact i actually used grammarly premium to try and proofread this

Ngl I hate grammerly, it’s a piece of shit.

Arsen got down under a bush. The rest of the soldiers took their places. Ace hid behind a tree. “Oh, you’ve done messed up, Bob!” Ace whispered.

This piece of dialogue should be in a separate paragraph, as Bob spoke earlier in the same paragraph.

“I’ll get this dude,” Ace whispered to the squad. The wizard walked past Ace’s tree, and Ace put him in a strangle. Ace covered the guard’s mouth to prevent them from screaming, and the guard fell on the ground, unconscious.

This is not a time to be playing three aces, there’s only 1 in the deck. It should look like this:

“I’ll get this dude,” Ace whispered, hiding behind a tree. The wizard walked by, and Ace leapt out, putting him in a stranglehold. There was a muffled scream, and the guard fell on the ground, unconscious.

Also, “to prevent them from screaming” is awkward so I described a “muffled scream” instead. Note that I don’t describe why it’s muffled, the reader will probably assume it’s because the guard is getting strangled. It doesn’t matter, the detail of the guard’s mouth being covered is not important enough to merit the awkward phrase.

Bob immediately raised his hand and reached for the guard’s clothes. He took the clothes

So bob’s raising his hand and taking the clothes at the same time.
You should’ve said:

Bob immediately raised his hand, and Ace passed him the guard’s clothes.

He looked at Arsen. “Arsen and I will split up and ignite their supplies.” Arsen stood straight up from being put on the spot by Ace.

Now it’s a triple Arsen! Not super important, what I wanted to focus on was the positioning of phrases. Slightly better phrasing would be:

“Arsen and I will split up and burn their supplies,” Ace said, looking confidently at Arsen. “You can handle that, right?”
Arsen stood up straight. “Y-yeah.”

It reads better and puts more space between the arsens.

“I just hope he doesn’t screw up.” Ace whispered to the rest of the group. The soldiers’ faces said otherwise about him.
“You know that isn’t true, Cap!” one of them remarked.
“S-Shut your trap,” Ace replied. In the distance, Bob went near the most isolated of the outskirt guards.

I don’t even know what’s going on here.

“He isn’t supposed to do that… Let’s get closer,” Ace ordered. Arsen, Ace, and the soldiers all sneaked closer to Bob.

I appreciate your attention to detail, but here just have Bob’s voice drift over instead of putting in so many subjects.

“He isn’t supposed to do that…” Ace whispered.
Bob’s voice drifted over to them. "Hey, friend…

“No, no, wait! You know you have Explosion Magic, Bob!” Ace accidentally called out. The guard got blown into a creek, completely unconscious. The rest of the outskirt guards heard Bob’s blast of Explosion Magic.

You repeat Explosion Magic twice. This entire passage could be made cringier (better):

“Wait Bob! You use Explosion-” Ace hadn’t even finished speaking when Bob fired the blast, which hurled the guard away and sent an impossibly loud BANG through the trees. Shouts of alarm rose from the outpost.

Better description, less telling, no repetition.

“HEY! There’s a doppelganger here!” one of them called out.

This is not what a doppelganger means.
I know you don’t want to say “imposter”… but the fact remains:

…block Connor’s blast. He lowered the barrier and shot a blast of Inferno at Connor. Connor dodged the blast…

Connor connorred a connor into connorring connor.
You know, pronouns and “who” exist.

Arsen created an Inferno Magic Circle in front of the Blast, creating a wall of blue fire that blocked the blast. With a flick of his hand, the wall reformed into a blast of his own, which he threw at Connor. The dark wizard ducked, the bolt soaring into the trees, which promptly exploded into flames.

Tada. I killed 2 connors and simultaneously made the fight more interesting by describing, not telling. “Ducked”, not “dodged”.

…them. Ace came out, firing a blast of purple crystals. The…

Man does Ace teleport or something?
Where is he coming out from? Why did you even use such an awkward phrase “came out” that implies he originated from somewhere?

…them, but Ace intercepted him in midair, firing a blast of purple crystal that sent the dark wizard flying.

“No more wars, you piece of crap!”

I was fine with it in stoneburg because it was slightly understandable with two main sides and whatnot… but now you really need to google the definition of a war.

“Explode!” he yelled. An explosion of Inferno appeared, blasting away parts of the outpost.

This is pretty redundant.

“Explode!” he yelled, blasting away parts of the outpost.

is better.

A soldier ran up—Doug—and summoned a blue magic circle.

Again, redundant, the reader expects the soldier to be Doug.

A soldier ran up, summoning a blue magic circle.

is better.

Maybe Artemis was waiting for him. If he went with Ace, they might drown him in the wonders of alcohol. That, and they might embarass him even more. Arsen decided to go with the former. He set off towards the Council outpost.


Man I have no idea what you’re even saying here. You say three things: “go to artemis”, “go with ace”, “get embarrassed by the guys”. I don’t care what you intended to say, those are three things.
Then you say “former”. “Former” only works when you have two things. With three, the word is effectively meaningless.
Then you say “he set off towards the Council outpost”.

Not only has there never been a Council outpost introduced anywhere recently, it’s not one of the three options.

Like wth?

In other news, it was a good fight scene, and we met Bob.

im about to go insane

but ill live

y tho

Arsen recognized Bob as the one who called Arsen’ squishy’

Me when single quotation marks: :face_vomiting:

connor back yay

Grammarly can be useful for finding mistakes, as long as you don’t accept them blindly. Many of Grammarly’s suggestions are incorrect or bad.


oh, I don’t really have a problem with it, but I usually review it afterwards anyways, so that might b it