Ultimatum Part 22

Writing Advanced Writing
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bababooey
streamed in AO writer hub

not as long as normal, sorry

also end of stoneburg arc :frhigh:

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bababooey

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bababooey

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Arsen felt something weird in his chest. His heart was beating too fast for its own good. Were hearts supposed to do that?

arsen that’s called having a fucking crush, virgin man

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:troll: ez

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I know both literally have no experience with this but god they’re idiots

get a hint please

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change the title smh
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ok fixed now

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Arsen felt something weird in his chest. His heart was beating too fast for its own good. Were hearts supposed to do that?

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LESSSSSSSSSSSGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Where is danny??

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you’ve been hit by

you’ve been struck by

danny

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uh oh

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He is coming, the God of Criticism has arrived. Prepare youself

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SHIPPING FILLER SHIPPING FILLER LESGO

Criticism time.

Firstly, your sense of time is really really off.
Ultimatum 20:

“We’ll get going tomorrow night.”

Ultimatum 21

It was the day after Ace interrogated Hisashi.

Ultimatum 22

The sun was starting to rise in the distance.

Somehow, somewhere, you skipped 2 days. This timeline makes 0 sense and is so off that it’s noticeable. It’s an easy mistake to make, but this is pretty bad.

Arsen crashed on his bed. The sun was starting to rise in the distance. Rays of light shone through the windows. Artemis was on another bed, playing with a small orb of Shadow in her hands.

There are numerous issues here. I’ll put the revised version first, so I can compare them.

Arsen opened the door to the hospital bay and immediately had to dodge a group of medics on their way to breakfast.
“Hey blue-haired kid!” one of them said, noticing him.
“Uh… yeah?” Arsen replied, surprised.
“You’re looking for your friend, right?” The medic smiled reassuringly. “She’s been discharged, Doc did a nifty bit of Healing Magic. You’ll find her at the rear bungalows, number 3.”
Arsen nodded. “Thanks.”
“No problem, just don’t show up again.”
“What?”
The medic sighed. “It’s a doctor joke, we don’t want you to visit because that means you’re injured or sick.”
“Oh.”
“Well I gotta go, see you around,” the medic said, before running off before Arsen could reply.
With a shrug, he walked off to the bungalows. They were a squat gray block of small rooms in a quiet corner of the outpost, with brightly painted green doors. He knocked on the third.
“Come in,” Artemis said from within.
He opened the door. Artemis lay on the small cot, playing with a small orb of Shadow.

What am I doing here? Firstly, Artemis was last seen in the hospital room. We have to explain why she’s out. This also explains something you say later:

“Guess so.” Artemis said while unwrapping her bandages. Her wounds had now mostly healed. The only things that remained were small, brown scabs.

But it’s legit been 1 day (if we look at your weird timeline, it should’ve been only a few hours). A mere day ago we’re told:

Artemis felt the part of her back where Dacien sliced it. She winced, saying, “I-It does still sting a little…”

Also a scab forms over the entire length of the wound, and definitely is not “mostly healed”. Wounds scab over remarkably quickly. What it should be are scars, if she’s healed entirely, but whatever.
So besides explaining how Artemis healed so quickly, I also explain why she isn’t in the hospital room anymore, and if she is still in the hospital room (odd, given that she’s supposedly healed) why Arsen still has a bed there. He shouldn’t, he was discharged.
I also go with your timeline, using “breakfast” when really if you had stuck with one timeline it should be like 2:00 AM.
Moving on.

“Ace was asking us whether we wanted to go with the stealthy plan, or the ‘fun’ plan. Bob called out that he wanted to go stealthy. Then a guard who was near us got suspicious. Ace knocked him out, and Bob took his robes. He went up to one of the other guards and asked to cover for his break. Turns out the guard he went up to had his shift end a bit later, and apparently he didn’t eat breakfast.”

As the author, you shouldn’t do this. We already know what happened, this is pure boredom. Just say “Arsen told her what happened” or something if you just wanna say that. If you’re trying to be funny… it didn’t work.

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Nice job on that dialogue, good work.

Arsen felt something weird in his chest. His heart was beating too fast for its own good. Were hearts supposed to do that?

Too blatant. You need a transition.

Their eyes met, and his heart skipped a beat. He turned away quickly.

I know it’s less… strong, but it feels less out of place.

“T-Thanks?” he said sheepishly.

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Does not fit.

“T-Thanks?”

Sometimes, less is more.

Artemis spun the Shadow orb she was playing with around her fingers and shot it at Arsen. It hit the middle of his forehead. “You’re so uptight! Lighten up a bit.”
His vision turned greyscale for a few seconds from being hit by the Shadow orb. His heart was starting to relax with the beating. “That was uncalled for!” he said.

Mhm… no.

Artemis spun the Shadow orb she was playing with around her fingers and shot it at Arsen. “You’re so uptight! Lighten up a bit.”
Everything turned black-and-white. “That was uncalled for!” he protested but smiled despite himself.

Most of that was unnecessary, some of it was awkward, you can see what I changed.

I already said what I thought about your hospital business.

In other news, you’re getting better. My criticism is like 5% shorter now.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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where’s the one with sound
it doesn’t have the same effect without sound

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Why I don’t use time, all my stories exist in a void where physics do not apply :troll:

:flushed:

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:poggers2:

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Dababy convertible

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i will turn a danny into a convertible

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