I’ve been working on a story and I want some feedback. There’s not really any detail or dialogue yet but here’s how the early bits go.
Part 1: Which am I?
Gaia unlocks Earth Magic under the emotional stress of his Robloxian parents being oofed. In a rage, he beats the murderer to death. He is sent to the slums where the story begins.
2 years later, Gaia reflects on this moment and remarks that his reason for living and fighting is for his deceased parents.
Rumors of a rowdy newcomer to the slums arise. Gaia catches wind of this and decides to fight them however the newcomer, Durz turns out to be a beast and defeats Gaia easily.
Gaia is emotionally hurt. He wonders how he could’ve lost to someone with no magic.
A thought comes to his mind. Why was he doing all of this? Was it to honor his parents by stopping evil? …Or was it because he wanted to stand over someone who still had something? The next day he departs the island, looking for the answer to this question.
Gaia is starving on his arrival to the next island but he realizes he does not have the funds to buy anything. A boy his age, perhaps younger approaches him and offers to buy him food. Gaia asks them who they are in a rude tone. They give their name, Victor. They’re just trying to be of help. The two sit down and converse. Gaia finds out they’re more similar than he’d thought. Gaia convinces Victor, the Air Mage to come along with him on his journey.
Together they fight a staff wielding madman, a group of thieving mages and a giant bird wielding Lightning Magic.
After resolving the matter of the giant bird they have their gear repaired. Victor speaks to Gaia at the sky island forest. He says he wants to quit, that he doesn’t enjoy harming others. Gaia is outraged. He tells Victor that they can’t stop anymore since they’ve come so far. Their clashing mindsets cause them to fight. Victor wins in the end.
Gaia walks to the edge of the island. He realizes what he is and calls himself to stop. He sits and marvels in the sight of the Moon-lit sea, wind flowing past him.
Part 2: Water World
Gaia is shopping for supplies. He has been exploring various islands full of unique experiences and has had a streak of good luck, leading him to profit in these adventures. Suddenly a situation arises and people are in minor danger. Instead of doing the right thing Gaia turns away. He knows it’s wrong but he fears he’d be doing it for the wrong reason.
Finishing his shopping, he falls asleep on his boat. Sudden shaking causes him to wake up. He goes outside to find his ship caught in a whirlpool. The next thing he knows he’s on land. His ship is nowhere in sight and the sky is dark. He asks the locals where he is but they only point him to the large building in the center.
The person there explains he is in an underwater city and that there is trouble. A giant sea creature is attacking the dome surrounding the city and Gaia must defeat it. It would be impossible for him to do it but he is given a blue orb. Its powers are explained. Gaia must train before using it. He asks why nobody else could do it. They say it goes against their beliefs to harm the sea life and so reluctantly, Gaia accepts.
He goes through training, refining the flow of his mana and overcoming flaws in his defensive style. Now he is able to begin using the orb. He is sent out into the ocean.
Rewrite
The person there explains he is in an underwater city and that there is trouble. A giant sea beast is attacking the dome surrounding the city and Gaia must defeat it. He will need to be using the powers of their sacred Orb of Water. He stops them before they can explain further. Initially he was concerned for them but now he asks why they need him at all. They explain their people’s beliefs deny them to harm sea life. They had already accepted their fate. Reluctantly, Gaia continues listening, muttering about these people’s foolishness. They continue, saying the orb’s powers are great but unstable, needing a skilled user to be wielded lest they go insane. They bring in Gaia’s new teacher and gauge his abilities.
He goes through training, refining the flow of his mana and overcoming flaws in his defensive style. During this training he asks how he would leave the city after he stops the beast. He’s told he could leave at any time. He’d just need to enter his ship. Knowing their predicament, Gaia could never bring himself to do that.
With his training concluded, he is able to begin using the orb. He is sent out into the ocean.
It glows. In the distance a shadowy figure grows closer. It’s the beast. Gaia steels himself. All he needs to do was scare it away for good. As it approaches Gaia notices the numerous scars and objects imbedded on its back. He knew what the thing was, he’d heard of its stories. He realizes he must put it down. He dodges attacks of ripping Air Magic as he charges an immensely powerful attack. He slams the beast down, shoving all of the surrounding water downwards and ending it instantly.
He returns to report his victory but suddenly the city is bombarded with harpoons. He runs to the orb he’d just returned but is told it’s useless. He is rushed to his ship where he begins to shake. He jumps out of bed. Gaia is frustrated he couldn’t do anything. He goes outside to find his ship is docked by the island he’d left. Was it just a dream?
He hears screaming and watches as fire peeks above the buildings. He rushes over and gets word that everybody has miraculously evacuated the buildings. Gaia feels a little down. He couldn’t do anything again. His hands start to itch a little. They’re wet, oddly wet. Could this be? Gaia has a third magic, Water Magic! He sprays the buildings down effectively with his new casting method. He knew those events couldn’t have been a dream.
