To be fair the implication is that it may have something to do with the people who screwed with us in the first place
Yup, characters.
The competition is split into literature, drama and journalism category, so poems and stories are bundled up together for no good reason. Poems that can be literal haikus or cinquains are held to same standards as what could be a novel, or at least a fair story, given enough space.
You know, I had this idea where the player, as a reward for their help at Frostmill, gets invited by Ravenna to a thank-you at Palo Town, where they’re greeted by Elius and Carina. They talk about the Bronze Legion and General Argos some, along with giving the player some money (enough for a sailboat), before both Elius and Carina are whispered to by a cloaked individual to speak in private.The player listens in on this conversation, not catching much, but suddenly receiving an overwhelming instinct to run. (It would turn out that this is where Elius and Carina would receive orders from the Order to hunt the player.)
The player bumps into Iris again while leaving Palo Town, who was running an investigation of her own upon hearing of the player’s meeting, using it as an opportunity to listen in. Iris and the player then depart for the Stepstones, with the following events being changed accordingly.
you cant even write a short oneshot with 1.8k characters
Introducing: a literature contest for the borderline illiterate.
I don’t know about directly introducing general Argos, but giving Elius and Carina some actual sibling dynamic interwoven with the darker truth of them being in the Order is a good idea. General Argos could also be given more of a characterization as well.
Hell, a quick befriending arc between Silas, Iris, Elius and Carina would do wonders.
1 Like
They’d more mention him offhandedly—saying something like “General Argos wanted to be here, but was caught up on his duties at Fort Talos.”
Just like other people said - Allanon and his wife part is deadly short for that idea.
“General Argos? Who’s that?”
“Oh, you’re the person who helped Frostmill, right? The name’s Elius from the noble house of Ulricus. General Argos mentored my sister and myself, he’s Ravenna’s oldest and most loyal general.” (Lord Ulricus, I assumed it’s a last name)
“What brings you here?”
“… that’s classified, I’m leaving tomorrow, and my sister will return to Ravenna as well. Anyways, how’s your stay here?”
“It’s great. Oh, also, this is Iris, my friend. We came here from Frostmill yesterday.”
“My word, it can’t be the Iris, born user of flare magic? What were you doing at Frostmill? I thought you lived in Ravenna.”
“… I’m looking for my father. He was taken away several weeks ago. I thought I could find some clues on Frostmill, but I got nothing.”
“Ah, my condolences. I wish you good luck, I hope you find your father. If you and your friend happen to visit Ravenna, I’ll gladly take you in as my guests.”
A basic mockup
8 Likes
This alone would make the Bronze Sea storyline significantly better. I’m not even joking, just having this as a story section would cause the following chapters to make a lot more sense, and give them a feeling of personal tension and buildup.
That’s what I’m aiming for, a somewhat typical trope where two or more characters unaware of each other’s opposing goals become friends, only to realize too late they’re on opposite sides.
Adds to the surprise when you and Elius find each other at Djin ruins, and might add more weight to the spare option.
Builds the player’s relationship with Iris and also builds her character (I tried to nuance her distrust of Elius, a Ravenna noble), the befriending would also give the player an idea that you should help her out.
Adds to Carina’s grief factor and makes it even more personal, kind of similar to prince Revon, but with the added motive of helping the Order.
And also foreshadows general Argos yet presents him as a good guy, which in turn adds suspicion onto him after Elius turns out to be an agent of the Order.
Alas, nobody could ever hope to write better than Vetex…
2 Likes
As I’ve whined about before, I feel like a lot of Skyhall’s story is pretty bad, and it’s mainly about Allanon.
Allanon’s spiral into madness feels too fast. No duh. The chapter only takes about an hour. That bring said, I get the impression from the short time we have that Vetex was trying to force us into investment with him.
His piece of shit brother doesn’t seem to serve any purpose other than to be the embodiment of prejudice against people from the sea so that we attach to Allanon easier. There’s so much on-the-nose details about him that shove you towards him. His best friend’s sea-born. He wants to make a skyboat that can navigate on water. His wife is sea-born. It feels like there’s no nuance with him.
That, and the dynamic between him and Liara makes you realize what’s going to happen to them well before it actually occurs. They’re super lovey-dovey. No subtlety, no minor conflicts they have, they’re total soulmates and they know it. They won’t stop talking about it, though! The literal moment before Liara dies he says something along the lines of “I love you… so much…” and that line, to me, feels like I’m being begged to feel something for these two when I sort of just don’t. I might have if they had that subtlety and conflict, but there’s nothing there for me.
Beyond that, is a drug that makes him mad truly necessary? Wouldn’t it be more impactful if this was the culmination of something that had been built up to? We don’t get much time to explore Allanon’s life before we meet him, and from what it looks like, there’s only a few elements that could be used for that kind of thing (his mother’s death, his bitchass brother, and his dismissive stepmother, his washed-up father). If there was more going on with him, these and whatever else would be added could combine into something that absolutely hits, but instead, we’ve got our #1 Sea Fanboy turning into the #1 Skyhall Hater because someone poisoned him.
Granted, this is something that takes a lot of writing. Arcane Odyssey is a Roblox video game. It’s harder to write for that than it would be for, say, a book. Especially since he spends a lot of time doing the coding and thinking about game mechanics of varying enjoyability. If he writes a book, who knows, it might be real nice.
1 Like
Along with this, I also take issue with a certain Jarl of Keraxe. The only Jarl of Keraxe we’ve seen. Ivar.
Ivar appears, beats your ass, and dies. The only things I can say about his character is that he’s ruthless, he’s a bit of a showoff, he talks shit, and he likes his honorable 1v1s. Keraxe tweaker potions do not break that code of honor, though.
So, with these little details in mind, I raise you this:
What if he appeared in Port Mistral? We could heighten the emphasis on him being a showoff. To most effectively demoralize the Samerians, they’d want to terrify them. So, we have Ivar do the terrifying. Maybe instead of just killing everybody immediately, they get evil with it and rule by terror. The people are scared shitless of him because he just annihilated all the guardsmen. Port Mistral acquired. Until we come along. And then WE get to see that terrifying part of him. And he knows about us and our “weakness”. How do we survive? No idea. But we do, and Ivar becomes the looming threat we think about until our final showdown with him on the Fenrir, where we WIN. BY OURSELF. Proving him wrong. Shit would rock, but it didn’t happen.
9 Likes
oh man I can’t wait to get on a real computer and read what everyone else has to say
I think the rest of the story should be more like Skyhall, Forest of Masts, and Port Mistral; build something up, tear it down, conflict ensues.
Forest of Masts - “The Nimbus Sea, so cool! SIKE, PIRATE ATTACK, better teach those lowlife swashbucklers a lesson!”
Port Mistral - “Better go help with this war at this fancy mistral place! SIKE, HUGE BOAT ATTACK, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! That one should’ve had a boss though.”
Skyhall - “Wow, Skyhall! Look at this cool handsome prince guy! SIKE, HIS ENTIRE LIFE IS OVER, HE’S GONNA FUNKING KILL EVERYONE!!!”
Each of these have one thing in common, the boss fight, (or lack there of), ruins it for many people. But nobody bats an eye at the story when there’s a bad boss fight and little buildup! That’s because bosses are generally the climax, which every good story needs, and if the boss fight isn’t good, the climax is ruined. If the story wasn’t there in the first place, there was nothing to ruin.
1 Like
I’ve been hearing about that. Where has talk of Arcane books come from? Also the characters in the game shouldn’t be in a state where people need to go through the story in an entirely different form of media to see them in a good quality. That’s worrying about the quality of the story of the game as it continues in the future.
-
Morden should accompany the player to Redwake at the very least to help them make some sense of their situation. While I understand that he’s grieving at the moment, leaving an insomniac alone is not often a good idea. At the very least, have him leave after the entire pollution situation is sorted out.
-
There should be more of Ravenna’s involvement in the story, or at least in Frostmill. I dunno, it feels like the entire situation over there is good enough cover for the Order to find and seize Iris. It could also help characterize some of the nobles.
-
Neviro screentime. Please.
-
Warren and/or Randal should be the ones to explain the curses instead of Elius. I mean, the Myriad is one of the most perfect places to do so.
-
Arwald should put his information on sale. It seems like something he’d do, you know? I’d understand if this weren’t added, though.
-
I feel like the main character’s thoughts should’ve been expanded on during the mines section.
-
Neviro should’ve helped out a bit during the fight with Calvus instead of immediately knocked out to show how much of a threat he is. I mean, the player is supposed to be malnourished at this point.
-
The meditations around the Bronze Sea should’ve been an introspection on the recent events that’d happened in the story, like in reverse order. The cave in Shell Island could’ve been a reflection on the player’s time in Ravenna. The waterfall could’ve been a reflection of your pursuit of the Order, and the events and subsequent collapse of Fort Talos. The spire in the Jaws about your overall aimlessness, how there’s not much else in your life other than finding the Order. You wonder why you’re here now, why whatever life you’ve had before was taken away from you. Not only would this be a opportunity to expand upon the player more rather than leaving them as a blank slate, it’d also be a pretty neat transition to the awakening in Mount Othrys.
Skipping straight to Skyhall, I do see an improvement in the writing. That being said, I don’t think it’s entirely perfect.
- The dialog needs to be more subtle. The death flags for Liara were way too obvious.
- There should be some more dissent towards the player. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people became more suspicious of them since an entire assassination had taken place a few days after their arrival.
- Allanon needed some more time before going completely off the rails. Maybe have him and the player participate on the investigation of the ambush?
- The Forsaken should’ve had some involvement when it came to the main story. The agents of the Order had disguised as them, why isn’t there more of a push against them? Heck, there could’ve been even more stakes in the story with Shade having information against the player (presumably them killing Calvus.)
…And that’s all I have to say about that.
3 Likes
Vetex mentioned once he’s done with AO he’s going to quit game development to become an author.
2 Likes
who?
Ooooohhh, this is a good one!
Also, we survive by Iris and Morden being there.
1 Like