A Fox's Return

The fox sat under the dark clouds above. The winds blew this way and that but somehow life still managed to live in these dark islands. Forced to fight for every breath, magic made that far easier. This fox had no name, or maybe it did, lost to time and the ancient scripts. Everyone it had lived with was dead and gone, lost to time. But so would it once its time came. The fox chose not to dwell on this, being the last of her kind as far as she knew, the last living Inari.

The Inari built up some of the wind magic and hopped upwards to one of the large rock spires on its island. The forest of mushrooms below was the only source of light for many many miles. Other creatures moved in the brush below, some larger than her and some smaller. None would win in a fight.

Most of the creatures had learned to leave her alone, and in turn she did the same. She hopped back down the spires using the wind in her veins to cushion her fall. She then walked onwards looking for the tree. The only tree on the island, somehow surviving with no sunlight, and even producing fruit.

She was munching on an apple when she heard the noises, every creature on the island did its best to stay silent and quiet, so a cacophony of sounds was a surprising and curious change. She stalked off in that direction to find out what it was.

On the beach were humans, the inari had thought them dead, killed in the blast like everything else. But it seemed not, the humans began spreading out into the mushroom forests. The mushrooms glowed red at their passing. The fox ran and hid, these people were not here to escape the storms.

It wasn’t long before humans passed by her hiding place in the apple tree’s branches.

“Hey, think any creatures could be in that tree? We’ve found a few running around but what if there are some on top of the mushrooms or this tree?” a human asked.

“Well, we can burn them all down,” said the other human, summoning a ball of flame in one hand.

The Inari was not about to stand for the destruction of her home. The man’s fire was suddenly extinguished by wind, surprising the two men and then the fox attacked. The man with the fire didn’t see her coming as he was thrown into the air with unnatural wind, the fox then turned and attacked the other man. He blocked and dodged and then ran away covered in scratches as the other man hit the ground nearby with a crunch.

The Inari settled, happy to have driven off a few humans. She was sorely mistaken when the man who had escaped returned. Following was a giant human, a huge sword strapped across his back and a smile that sent shivers down her spine as he laid his eyes on her.

The Inari prepared to fight. She then launched herself at him with a subsequent wind blast, he was unfazed, all of a sudden the side of his sword came out of nowhere and slammed into her side, she hit a mushroom and crumpled to the ground. She hadn’t even lasted three seconds.

“This fox will sell well. Good job on finding it,” the burly man said. He then reached down and picked up the fox before jogging back to the shore.

The Inari awoke inside a cage as it was being shipped to the caravels. She froze, the water below was the most dangerous thing she could imagine, what monsters lurked down there she couldn’t even recall.

Her cage was pulled aboard and moved into the hull. The bars were too tight for her to squeeze through so she curled up and listened to the sounds of the sailors pulling anchor and setting sail. It wasn’t long before the winds picked up and the fox could feel the sea trying to sink the boat she was on.

At one point the ship got hit by a wave and her cage went flying into a wall, she fell into unconsciousness, and awoke to the hull filling with water, her metal cage bent enough for her to squeeze out, she took the opportunity and ran to the deck. Then paused as sunlight bathed her fur. It had been centuries since she had seen sunlight and was warmed by it.

She couldn’t soak in the son forever, the boat was sinking and the crew was gone. The Inari looked around and saw a girl’s body draped upon the rafter’s barely alive. This is perfect, I’ll save both of our lives the fox thought.

She approached the girl hesitantly before laying a paw onto her leg. It had been so long since she had communed with a human. The fox and girl became one and the girl was restored though their memories became shared as heart and soul became one. The girl stood up her fox-like eyes watching the sun as a bushy tail and ears began to grow, it would take a bit before the communion was complete.

She learned the girl’s history and name, how she had been an aspiring lightning wizard and how the girl had lost her family.

The Inari had plans, including the cause of the girl’s hardships. A communion made both of their wants become one. The fox and girl headed out pulling up a rowboat and rowing to a distant island.


This story is the prologue for my wind warlock “Keyra”
also my first writing for 2023
Feedback Appreciated

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I made it longer

I first thought this was about specter.

I think it’s still too quick-paced. In just about a page’s worth of text, the animal trappers were introduced, captured the fox in only about a paragraph or two, then got thrown into extremely stormy seas, yelling as their ship is destroyed. That’s a lot to happen in such a short time, I got a little bit of tonal whiplash. You’ve got good ideas, so give them the time they deserve (even if it means you have to type out way more stuff; the sacrifices of a writer :sleeper:).

Since the goal here is to introduce your warlock fox character, I recommend starting from the fox’s perspective and keeping it that way. The trappers aren’t characterized and will be dead soon anyway, so there’s no real point in starting with the story from their perspective. It made me think they were supposed to be the main characters or something. You don’t need the trappers’ dialogue to establish the fox is magical, instead, you could simply show it using its wind abilities, maybe to get food or reach somewhere that would normally be too difficult.

Take your time setting the scene and easing into the story, then have the trappers appear suddenly to capture the fox. I’m not an expert but I don’t think it will be too surprising or out-of-the-blue, since it makes sense for a magical fox to be highly sought after. Making the capture much more difficult for the trappers and extending its length would help slow down the pacing and add more excitement. It’s also a great opportunity to show the fox’s superior intelligence, mysteriously unlike any other animal. Show it using its powers creatively, and give the trappers an exceedingly tough time. Showing those details to the reader would make the Inari reveal more believable as well.

time for a re-write.
thx for the advice. You are right, I need to give more time to certain things.

No problem. Have fun writing!

re-write complete

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It’s a lot better now, you did great!
LET'SGOOOOOOOO

I would love to write as good as this but when my dad is in the room on his computer I can’t focus
He just gives off an air of intimidation, despite being friendly I know he’s a cop about what I do and who I talk to online so it’s only developed a primitive and instinctive paranoia in my brain that tells me to be afraid of him.

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