Harrowing, bloody mines (Part 2)

I did have a previous draft, but the story wasn’t even fully over and i felt like it was too long for a single post, so, here we are. the sequel to my fire warlock’s mine suffering, Yipee!!!
(Part 1)

(May 23rd, Y1854)

My body was worn out, despite the rest I had managed to get, however much even if little.

I saw a small stew sitting inside my cell, the bowl of a small size and the amount of food sparse. The food looked as repulsive as an edible object could ever be imagined to get: the ingredients were classic vegetables, carrots and potatoes. But the broth… a dark green mixture I couldn’t fathom the makeup.

I forced the pitiful mixture down my throat. I gagged harder than I ever remember harder than anything my acid reflux wanted me to give up.

I coughed afterwards, rubbing my hand on my bloody arms. Red stains got on them, but I wasn’t bothered by it. I’ve had to cauterize my own wounds after my fights with my rival, after all.

What wasn’t so pleasant, however, was the fact that I had opened up a few of the cuts around my arms. I tried to shrug off the pain, but it was still pretty intense. Omniscient for now, you could say.

After eating, I found the door out of my cell was still closed. I waited for instruction, and none came.

I looked around my cell, trying my hardest to ignore the freezing air, my bleeding arms, and just…. Everything.

How long was I sentenced to be here? How long has Tora been here?

I’m…. Don’t think about it, Vega. don’t make yourself even more worried.

Tears trickled down from my eyes, I wiped them off with a bloody hand. I tried to straighten some of my black hair, but the way I’d been roughed up combined with how messy it naturally was made it feel like I was making it even messier.

I stopped all action and wept in my bed, trying to deal with my immense loneliness and dread. You never know how used you get to something, like your crew’s jolly banter, until you get separated from it.

I waited, coping. After ten more minutes a guard arrived at my cell.

He banged on the bars of the cell in a demanding manner which startled. I looked up and tried not to show how devastated I was by this.

Their face was barely visible, but my panic was causing him to smile insidiously.

“It’s time…”

They pulled my cell’s door open while I responsibly followed them out, afraid of being further wounded. They handed me a pickaxe and shoved me towards a rock with teal spots in it, between a five minute walk to the location.

I hesitated working at first, but I forced myself to swing the tool at the rock. Flakes of stone popped out.

Clip, Clop, clip, clop.

The guard leaves as I began hitting the rock with the pickaxe even more. Another prisoner - An older man with white hair and a big beard, with more beige rags than I had on came in and started working on the rock I was tasked with.

“Another new prisoner, by the looks of it.” He said.

I nodded to him, I felt another tear drop out of my eye.

“What are you in for, young one?” He asked.

In a voice parallel to a frog’s, I told him: “I managed to beat lady carina in a fight, and before that I was in a terrible fight with a lord.”

“Oh? Do humor me.” He asked humbly.

“The fight against the high lord Elius was brutal, and he was left in critical condition. I came to him for some information and he refused to give it up. I never had the heart to kill him myself, so I’d guess that he bled out from the injuries I dealt to him.”

“You look like a skilled young lad. What is your name, if you could share it?”

“Vega anchor. You are?”

“Gaillo bronze. These mines are harrowing, couldn’t you agree?”

I nodded, swinging at the rock in the wall. A chunk of metal fell next to my feet.

I grabbed it and looked at the piece of ore. The brown rocks of the mines were clinging to this unique turquoise metal.

“What even is this?” I asked, “How could a metal be this blue?”

“That copper has just rusted, my friend.” Gaillo told me. “It’s a testament to how much of it hasn’t been touched, even after all these years. I see this is your first time seeing copper in this state.”

I looked at him as he gently took the mineral from me. He had soft, hopeful blue eyes. “This is what the guards want from us. You are in no condition to work.”

“I know. I wish I got some bandages from them yesterday, I was able to make them give me a head bandage.” I told him. I muttered, “Slow to notice.”

“These mines are the most harsh place in the bronze seas. The soldiers and the warden of the mines will shed no tears for your pleas.” Gaillo dropped the ore we’d extracted into a giant crate.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they expect us to fill that up and haul it out at the end of the day.” I said, lowering my pick and looking at the container.

“That is exactly what they want from us.” Gaillo told me, “If we are even a moment too slow, our flesh will open.”

“What does that mean, exactly?”

“We will receive physical punishment: beaten by steel gauntlets, stripped for a whipping, even being stabbed once or twice.”

I shivered, then turned back to the wall. I swung hard at it, and another chunk of copper fell out. I brang it to the crate, which had only five other pieces in it, and dropped it in.

“Don’t expect these days to deviate all too much.” He told me while grabbing his pick, “Your life will become very monotone soon.”

“When are you supposed to be released?” I asked him.

“I have forgotten. I was supposed to be released about three weeks ago, but they have acted to keep me trapped down here. It is not only upsetting, but unfair.”

“And how long will I be stuck down here?”

“I should not answer that for you. But if I were to make an estimation, There is a good chance that you will remain here for life. You ended the life of a lord, after all.”

“I spared him, he bled out, supposition. All is stupid.”

“You were the last person attacking him, after all. You should, by laws of technicality, be the one to blame.”

I sighed, and ran over to my pickaxe. As I was about to grab it, I heard something. I paused.

“Something on your mind, young one?” Gaillo asked me.

“I can hear something.” I said, slowly approaching the source of it. “It feels like somebody is yelling.”

“Please, do not spectate fights between prisoners and guards.” He advised, “They are utterly brutal and will only scare you further.”

I ignored what the gentle old man was saying and turned the corner which I came from. I followed the echoes of the fight for around fifteen minutes until I came across a pale, white female assaulting a dark skinned male prisoner like myself, only with words and not punches.

“Dare you rebel against the mines’s Warden, young sir?” They said in a charming, evil voice.

The prisoner yelled, “This place is brimming with perfidy! You are treating so many souls, ending so many adventures because they broke one rule so quantum it shouldn’t be punishable!”

“SILENCE.” The first of two guards charged towards the man, grabbing him by his arms. The other went to face him.

“Madame, what do you demand?” The second guard asked.

“Send him to a private cell. Grab a weapon, there is solace to the suffering of others.”

Sadistic. Disgusting. Absolutely repugnant.

The second guard slugged him in the face, and I caught a gross smile that fractured a small part of my being.

How is one person able to be so immoral? How is one being able to reject so many core human laws?

I saw her head tilt a bit to my direction, I ducked behind the corner I was next to and ran back to where Gaillo was still working. It took me around twelve minutes to return.

Only when I got back I was left to a lonely room. Gaillo was gone, but the walls looked cleaner now.

Where did the old man go? Did the guards take him? Are the guards trying to punish him? Do they want me to work alone?

I looked at the floor for a pick to use, thankfully one was resting near the ore crate. The crate was only a bit fuller.

As I grabbed my pick and got back to work immediately, my worries about Gaillo - and frankly, about my adventure and what was to come kept reverberating in my head, reminding me painfully that if I was more prepared for the ambush at the castle I could still be adventuring, enjoying the world. Being a free spirit with a crew of trustworthy and reliable sailors, willing to work without a life for me.

The thought of my crew on the pink perfidy… That hurt.

Did they even know I was gone? Do they know I’m down here? What will My deckhand, Faust and My co-captain Edward do while I’m gone?

I had to force myself to get those painful thoughts out of my mind. Distraction with the work at hand was clearly not working so I would need to try other things just to shoo them off.

However, my gut sank when I consider how many ores I would need to hack off this wall just to be safe for tonight: With the crate only slightly filled up, I’d either have to try and cope with my bad thoughts just to endure more pain tomorrow, or work tirelessly with my mind corrupted with worry.

As my head burnt itself and my arms cried for help, I decided to do the latter of those options. While I could at least deal with these malefic thoughts later, the wounds would be much more of a problem for me due to the fact that my fire was locked out of my bag of tricks…. For now.

Settling down, I took another swing at the rock wall. Between the terrible thoughts and one-sided mining, it felt as if something was slipping away.

Hours, minutes, seconds. All the same body.

2 Likes

Decided to do a critque, since why not
note that its gonna seem very harsh because I’m nitpicking basically everything slightly bad

Feels a bit wonky, you should probably say something like
“My body was still worn out, barely recovered from the little rest I had gotten”

Was he entering the cell just now? Otherwise the sentence doesn’t quite make sense

Shouldn’t be captlised

Also shouldn’t

It’s best to avoid repetition of words and you seem to use the word bloody a lot

Forgot to add me to the end of the sentence

You don’t need to add an adjective to every action, in this case, it just clutters the sentence

Make sure to keep the same tense throughout each piece, you switched from past to present

Captlise, again

I get what your trying to do here, but it really doesn’t seem too high of a goal

If your trying to make it a piece of slang from the mines, I’d recommend a one word thing

Maybe clarify on what was done? Something like falsified accusations of starting fights should be more than enough to extend someone’s sentence

First grammer, second, that seems perfectly reasonable

I get it’s attempt at an accent, but, no

Don’t try to force everyone into a stereotype, it just comes off as unrealistic, it’d make more sense if there’s one or two sadists and the rest are just bystanders, too scared or too well paid to do anything.

Overall the story is ok, but I’d recommend having a friend read over your work before sending it off. I tend to have one or two friends read my stories before I release them and it helps a lot

The goofy ahh level 125 crystal user will save you all (he is me uwu)

The one friend I have who likes writing is also iffy on AO leaks, this would technically be a leak, and besides them I’m pretty lonely
Regardless didn’t think of that

also he uses light now

prepare to be flashbanged

This is pretty cool, I’m still interested! There are a few errors, but they’re mostly grammatical, like not capitalizing the first letter of names. Usually, grammatical errors don’t take away from a story’s enjoyability or impact, but they do make me pause a bit, and if there are a lot of grammatical errors then that can give the impression of unprofessionalism.

Grammarly and Hemingway Editor are free tools that do a great job at assisting with stuff like that. (Also, I found a completely legal loophole to kind of get Grammarly Premium’s benefits without paying, but using the method takes more time and effort than actually owning Premium. I can tell you how to do it later :shushing_face:)

Proofreading your story is also extremely important, you should do it at least once after finishing a draft. Proofreading can help you catch grammatical errors, add in any details you might’ve forgotten the first time, make certain sentences easier to read, make them a bit fancier, etc.

This has some very interesting implications that really get my mind spinning. Fire Magic can stop bleeding, yet Vega didn’t choose to use it. Since Lord Elius was bleeding after the fight ended, that also implies the battle was finished with an Iron Leg move, not a Fire spell (which is the most logical way to end a fight; Iron Leg would probably break a few bones, ensuring Elius has no chance of continuing to battle). I wonder if Vega has a bit of a cruel side to him, deep down. Maybe Vega thought Lord Elius still deserved to suffer even after keeping his life, and it didn’t occur to him at the time that the bleeding could be lethal. Or maybe he didn’t care, he believed that if Lord Elius died because he failed to stop his own blood loss then that wouldn’t be Vega’s fault. Or maybe he didn’t have enough control over his Fire Magic to form exactly enough embers to stop the bleeding without causing so much damage that Elius dies. There are so many possible explanations for what happened, all of varying morality, and all sprouting from a single, simple line. It gets me very excited to learn more about Vega’s character in future parts.

I think you should use more specificity here. There are a lot of definitions for “charming voice” and “evil voice.”

I find it hard to describe exactly why, but this was a bit confusing to read, specifically because of the word “used.” Maybe try rewriting it as “You never know how familiar you are with something, like your crew’s jolly banter, until you’re separated from it.”

“Our flesh will open” is too fancy to fit in realistic human speech unless the character talks in metaphorical and abstract ways very consistently. I can’t really imagine an enslaved miner saying that to describe their beatings and punishments. I’d recommend having them just say what they mean here, I think that has a heavier impact in this particular instance. Either that or you could swap it for a prison slang word, as A_Name suggested. Using one-word slang shows that they’re familiar enough with the brutal punishments to name them, and it’s painful enough of a memory that they use a friendlier word to sort of dance around the subject.

Anyways, I think your writing has a lot of potential and I really hope you keep this up. Take care, and of course, don’t be hard on yourself when you’re starting out.

Random Miscellaneous Advice #1 (these are things I tell everyone, I have no idea if any of it applies to you or if you need it or not):

Criticism and critique are the most vital parts of improvement. Always keep an open ear for it, but don’t take it personally, know when to separate your story’s quality from your value as a person. Not all critique is accurate or helpful, so examine it carefully before applying it, but keep in mind that if someone got a certain first impression (even if it’s wrong) then there’s always a reason for that and it should probably be considered. It could mean your writing isn’t clear enough, it could mean the reader just isn’t good at paying attention, or maybe the reader had a certain bias from personal experiences that led them to an unorthodox conclusion.

Random Miscellaneous Advice #2:

The feeling of sadness comes from the feeling that something has been lost. To write sad scenes that readers can connect with, first, you have to establish your character’s “normal.” Show your character being happy to make the reader initially care about them, and then you can show the tragedy. To put it simply, you can’t feel like a character has lost something if you don’t know what they had to begin with. I believe it’s also good to sprinkle some happy scenes in between future sad moments as well, to maintain that feeling of have-and-lose.

Even in very dark or grim settings, it is still very feasible to write your characters in moments of solace. Maybe there are other people in the tragic circumstances alongside your character, and they quickly connect; bonding, making lighthearted conversation, or playing. Maybe they make games out of hard work, or your character finds a bright side to their dark situation and focuses on that for a while.

And as a bonus tip, to make a more interesting conflict, your character’s tragedy should be especially bad for them specifically. For example, having your house burn down is already awful, but it would be even worse if you were a collector, so when your house burned down you also lost decades worth of precious souvenirs, heirlooms, memories, and more. Another example; getting imprisoned or enslaved is already awful, but it would be even worse for a character who is inherently very freedom-seeking, independent, and/or struggles to commit to anything.