[Short Story] Castlian Clash

Writing Advanced Writing
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"Castlian Clash"

Fueling his campfire, The Exiled throws a couple logs into the blaze. The day was ending, and the bright moon peeked over the horizon. It was getting late, and the Whispering Forest gets cold at night. Sitting at the fire, the powerful warrior considers what he has done today. Earlier this very afternoon, The Exiled was ambushed by a group of Tyrants, who he barely managed to defeat. Although he had won, he was left very weak. Soon, he would rest and recover – or, at least, he would’ve if it weren’t for the fact that he had just heard footsteps coming from somewhere behind him.

“Well, would you look at that,” calls out a voice, yelling in a mocking tone. “Seems I just found the Castlian Coward!”

The Exiled looked around, trying to find the source of the voice, but to no avail; the trees Whispering Forest are plentiful, making it difficult to see far. But who could this man be? Is it a bandit? No, bandits always try to run. They wouldn’t taunt him like this. Couldn’t be a bandit.

“Reveal yourself!” called out The Exiled, desperate to find the source of the voice.

The Exiled is then met with laughter. “Too afraid to even execute a criminal,” the voice calls out again, now from a different location. “What hope could you ever have at defeating me?”

Confronting The Exiled, a man with white hair suddenly steps out from the shadows, revealing himself to the mighty warrior. The Exiled immediately recognized him as Tom Silver, a powerful wizard from Summer Hold. He was neither good nor evil, instead choosing to simply be neutral.

Tom was born in Summer Hold and raised by a hard-working family. He loved to help out his family wherever he could – until he learned that he had magic, after which he quickly forgot about his work in favor of training to become a powerful wizard. He had trained for many months, learning to control his powers of ice. Additionally, Tom Silver is a distant relative of the great King David Silver, although nobody knows exactly how the two are related.

“What are you doing here, boy?” The Exiled questions, both curious and suspicious of the man at the same time. The vast majority of Castlians are too fearful to leave their great walled cities of Summer Hold and Umber Keep, so it was really quite odd for Tom to have left his home. Did Tom have business with him, or was this just a chance encounter, and nothing more?

“Oh, I’ll show you why I’m here,” Tom says sneering. He begins to approach The Exiled in a threatening and menacing fashion, making his intent very clear. “Glacial Strike!” he cries, firing an icicle-like beam straight towards The Exiled, striking the swordsman before he had a chance to react to the advance. Although he was still tired and wounded, The Exiled wouldn’t take this challenge lightly, and immediately prepares a counterattack, leaping towards Tom and slicing at him repeatedly. Most of the slices missed, but one of them cut through Tom’s arm, giving him a nasty wound and causing him to bleed. “Subzero Flurry!” Tom yells out in an immediate retaliation, throwing two chunks of ice into the air and right into The Exiled, injuring him greatly and cracking his armor yet further.

Jumping high into the air, Tom begins to weave another spell, placing it below The Exiled. “Arctic Hurricane!” Tom exclaims, as he creates an explosion by The Exiled’s boots, further wounding the warrior. Now infuriated with this wizard, The Exiled jumps into the air and prepares his signature move: Raging Storm. Unleashing a volley of slashes, The Exiled attempts to cut Tom in half; however, Tom instinctively brings up his sword and blocks some of attack, allowing him to sustain significantly less damage.

“Glacial Strike!” Tom commands, returning the favor to The Exiled by sending another beam into him, which ultimately defeats the great warrior. Although The Exiled is very powerful, Tom Silver managed to prevail today. As The Exiled collapses onto the ground, Tom steals his helmet from him, and mutters one last insult to him.

“You’re a disappointment to the Castlian culture.”

Writer's Notes

Thank you very much for reading! Please do send any feedback you have :slight_smile:
I mostly wrote this piece to practice my fight scenes. I’m not very happy with my abilities to make them right now, so wanted to get better at it, y’know?
This story was starring my good friend @silveryue! Not sure if I’ll write stories about other people’s characters, but that could be fun-

13 Likes
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also reposting because I put this in the wrong category the first time

i’m an idiot

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iudfghgeidrugbi very good story!! I could imagine the entire scene perfectly, 10/10

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make funni fanfic for other chars please; your style of writing is very descriptive and enticing!

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You did well!
As for describing battle scenes, I hope I don’t sound rude, but this could be done better.
Please don’t hate me :pleading_face:
When I write scenes like this, I tend to be more descriptive in my word choices. Try to pay more attention to detail in some instances, conveying not only how it looked but also how it might have been felt. One thing you could have capitalized on in this short story was the fact that the wizard utilized ice which is naturally cold. The cold air the ice attacks emit, the crackling of the ice itself, how the Exiled felt the impact, these are all small details that can be used to really strengthen your story.
For an example you could look at my story here (cough cough shameless plug cough cough) though I myself am not the best and am seeking to improve.
Hope this helps :+1::heart:

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…what?
to the CULTURE?

this is just a self insert isn’t it?

why is there a sudden backstory insert in the middle of the story? doesn’t contribute anything to the story itself

the fight is so impossibly bland and one sided, here you got this tom self insert kid spamming giant spell names, with exiled hardly doing anything, and the climax is just stale, theres not even any real build-up to tom winning at all

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I feel like you didn’t have to criticize their story so rudely

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Mans typing an ENTIRE essay

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the real world doesn’t throw flowers at everything someone does
he wanted feedback, I gave feedback
fundamentally, this story is really bland and boring right now
but so what?
you ask for feedback to improve, being frank about it is, if anything, good

as it is now,
the whole story is just a self-insert one-sidedly beating up another character with no real tension or intrigue
if he doesn’t acknowledge that type of stuff, he won’t grow as a writer

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Fair point.

It took you that long to type all of that?

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I was rewriting it a few times since I didn’t wanna fuck up what I was saying

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Should I have used a different word there? If it’s a thing about people referring to themselves as a culture and that seeming weird, then fair enough, but I don’t find that weird personally. I’ve done it irl a couple times, so ehh
(i’m assuming that’s what you’re pointing out here, correct me if i’m wrong)

Suppose that’s a way to put it, but I see it as giving a backstory to a character (even if it’s a friend’s character). Yeah, not the best piece of mine, but I’m trying to improve.

Should I have not added it at all? I feel like it gives more depth to this character. I don’t need to give The Exiled a backstory, since we already know it, but we don’t know who Tom is, so I wanted to give some context to who he was. I would prefer knowing who both characters are as opposed to having one of the characters just being a mysterious nobody.

Alright, try to make it less one-sided. Fair enough, that’s a definite flaw with my writing, I admit. How could I do this? You tell me what to do, but don’t help me do it. I’m not asking for you to hold my hand and do it for me, but I would like for a bit of advice as well, other than just “too one-sided”

I appreciate your feedback though! Thank you very much for leaving your thoughts. If you could, I would love if you’d give me some tips on how to improve in the future. Keep in mind, I wrote this piece mostly so I could improve on fighting (giving my friend a backstory was just a side thing), and I want to hear more from you.

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For the Vistarians! jumps off cliff
For the Castilans! kicks Alalean off

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Not rude at all! Besides, even if it was, that’s fine; I’m willing to deal with some harsh criticisms if it’s what I need to hear.

Hadn’t considered that. Be more descriptive of how things felt to characters. Makes sense, I’ll keep that in mind-

Also makes sense. Ice is cold, so it would only make sense to describe it that way, as opposed to just being nothing. You could’ve replaced ice with, say, iron magic or something, and the story would’ve been the same.
Suppose if I ever make a story about a fire wizard, I’ll make sure to detail the heat characters feel when they are hit with it, along with burns and such.
Emphasize how things feel, and not just how they look. Got it.

I don’t mind the plug. Can’t read it now, but when I can, I’ll let you know my thoughts on that and try to improve based on that too.

Thank you very much for the input! I’ll keep this in mind. If you have further advice, please do let me know-

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no you pointed out flaws
you did not, however, fix them

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let’s say you beat up an american, and spit on them or whatever;
you wouldn’t call them a disgrace to american culture, would you?
you would probably just call them a disgrace or a disgrace to america instead

although yes I can see why you did it,
too much narration/random fluff in the middle of what should be a tension filled scene is just pretty weird
One way you could of approached it is having the character be egotistical and introduce himself, granted without as much of the backstory fluff

by one sided, I mean the actual fight was mostly just the ice wizard spamming attacks with little to no actual content from the exiled
as in that part I just quoted, the wizard is doing all this dodging and damage and attacks, its just stale

I’m not that experienced in writing so I don’t want to presume any bad writing tips for you, I don’t think I’m nearly qualified for that; hence why I’m just pointing out issues at face value

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One small challenge you can do is to have a battle scene in which no words are spoken. This will really help you in emphasizing the action itself and not narration.

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king david silver:

what?

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I’ll admit, I’m a bit hesitant to cut out the spell names. Like, people say that in WoM when they cast spells, so I feel like I would be doing a disservice or not staying true to the game by getting rid of them.

At the same time though…
Good writing is more important than accuracy to the game I suppose. I’ll try a piece without them, see if that improves it.
Thanks again!

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ight, I’m typing out my feedbacks + personal suggestions here. feel free to take the suggestions with a grain of salt, as I’m still not experienced with writings personally.

  • How did The Exiled recognize Tom ‘choosing to be neutral’?
    • You could try describing from what The Exiled/the other people know about the character’s actions. Like rumors about him helping both bounty hunters and dark wizards. Or news about Tom committing some crimes along with news of him doing good deeds.
    • What I said is basically showing Tom’s actions (from Exiled’s POV), rather than telling about Tom’s alignment.
  • For the Tom’s backstory part, it kinda came out from nowhere.
    • I suggest telling the backstory from what he’s known for. And if it’s from the Exiled’s view, (since he was the first focus character here) you could include what he could deduct from Tom’s appearance. Like being a Silver because he has a silver hair or carries a Castlian weapon.
    • To be honest, the family part of his backstory is pretty unnecessary here. Since it doesn’t add anything to the battle.
    • I recommend saving ‘trained to control ice magic’ part later in the fight, where Tom starts using his magic. Since why would the Exiled immediately know he has Ice Magic?
  • For the battle part, add more risks/stakes for Tom. Like increasing the Exiled’s speed, etc. A fight should have fair amount of stakes for both sides.
    • If you want to write that Tom is much more skilled in this fight, show his skills in action! Like predicting the Exiled’s directions, taking the time to aim his attacks while concentrating, etc.
  • This is more of ‘natural word use’ part. It’s better to use “to the Castlians” rather than “to the Castlian culture”. As using Castlians kinda gives off the vibe that he’s disappointed the people (it’s kinda more insulting this way since Tom tries to make The Exiled feel guilty), rather than disappointing the overall culture.

If you don’t understand, feel free to ask me to elaborate on them! I’m still not used with typing a lot on iPad, haha.

1 Like