Hai! - I’m Silver, and I just wanted some critique on a story I wrote a few months ago. I’m posting this here cuz I obviously can’t show it to my English teacher, and I’d really like some feedback on what I can improve!
(Also, please let me know if I’m doing this wrong, this is my first time posting on the forums)
The Perilous Quest:
It was a bright warm day in June, and the air was tepid with moisture. Golden sunlight beamed down onto the peninsula and dappled through the tree-leaves as the sun began its descent into darkness. The scene, yet seemingly serene and peaceful, was violently juxtaposed with what was happening underneath its façade.
Jan slumped down and leant against the hard oak of the tree, gasping for breath as she regained her composure. Glancing down at the sea of lacerations that criss-crossed her body, she knew these wounds were going to take some time to heal. But she couldn’t give up; not now. She’d spent far too long tracking the deadly criminal across Magius. Now was the time to bring this to an end.
The girl leapt up as the tree behind her disintegrated, followed by a loud thud as the battle-axe crashed into the ground, flinging rocks into the air. Heavy footsteps followed, as the figure towered above her. He too was bleeding, but seemed to take no notice of this, instead laughing in a terrifying yet seemingly baritone voice.
‘Your quest ends here adventurer! Give up before it’s too late.’
Jan looked up into his face, with its blood-shot eyes and tufts of unkempt hair, and knew that she wasn’t losing to this monster. Her mind raced to a possible solution, using past experience and training as aids. It came to her in moments and she glanced up into his eyes.
‘I don’t think so.’
And with that, Jan leapt into the air - positioning herself above the target for her ultimate move. Summoning a magic circle in one hand, and drawing her sword in the other, she lashed out at the beast. In a torrent of attacks which rained down on the unfortunate giant, she slashed at him with her sword and blinded him with her moonlight beams - The giant stumbled around, flailing his arms around in a frantic attempt to regain his sense of direction; but to no avail.
Jan grinned. Her plan was working.
The barrage continued, repeated and unrelenting attacks aimed at his eyes to create a world with montages of purple and moving figures. His attacks became uncoordinated, swinging his axe madly around in a desperate aim to land at least one hit on his opponent - To Jan, the whole situation actually looked rather comedic.
Eventually the giant came to a rest, collapsing on the ground from sheer exhaustion. His breath heaving into large clouds of vapour against the humid backdrop. Smiling, Jan pried the massive axe out of his hands and admired it as it gleamed in the setting sun.
In the distance, she can hear her friends calling her name, and realises that they’re probably wondering where she is.
Jan chuckles and says, ‘Time to see what this does’, as she slings it over her back and hurries to rejoin them.
- For VikForFirstNoble @vik
